this is one of the most difficult things i can remember going through. it seems as i get older that things seem to impact me more then they used to. or maybe, i just have more life experience that creates a greater potential for empathy. i don't know. either way...the last couple of weeks have been really heavy. more then they should be this time of year.
i first became aware that jonathan starting getting sick back in the summer. his illness seemed odd, irritating...but from the outside looking in, rather benign. nothing to worry about...you know what i mean? as the final months of 2009 rolled around, things became more serious...almost out of no where. right after thanksgiving, jon went into the hospital for the last time. he died in that hospital yesterday. january, 3, 2010 at 11:24am. at that very moment i was at church....singing...ironically enough (my job #2 is singing in case you didn't know) that my God is the everlasting God. that He is the defender of the weak....and the comforter to those in need. right at that very moment....jon died. i just don't get it. jon was weak. his wife, scared and broken...she was in need. it's hard for me to reconcile these emotions with my unwavering faith in God. maybe i will someday.
my last memory of jonathan outside of the hospital was on a sunday morning a little over a month ago. we were both sitting next to our wives in church...kind of across an isle from one another. listening to a talk from our pastor. i looked over at him and realized that we had the exact same shirt on. i laughed to myself, and then couldn't hold it in. i gave him a "psst...pssst...PSSSTTT!!!!" jon looked over concerned...i pointed to my shirt...then his. he looked down at his shirt, laughed and gave me 2 thumbs up. i'll never forget that moment. both of us...completely unaware that he would be gone a month later.
jonathan and his wife have two kids. a son and a daughter. i can't help but think about the milestones in their lives that have yet to come, where they will miss him...and feel so ripped off. when his son graduates from school or wins the big game and the one thing that's missing is jonathan's hug, showing how proud he is. and when his daughter is walking down the isle at her wedding...but jonathan isn't there to hold her arm...reassuring her with his smile that he will always love her. they will never be the same.
his wife. she chose him. he chose her. they both looked...searched...prayed and found one another. now she has to go on without him....but she didn't want to do life alone...that's why they had each other. it's a tragedy that you can't possibly measure. i can't imagine it. it doesn't seem right or just.
so, i guess this is my way of saying good bye. to begin the process. thanks jonathan for all the good times. fun conversations about life and family and music. for always being a supporter and encourager. laughs on the 4th of july. thank you for always being constant. i'll miss you my friend...
less of me...
A FUND FOR THE FAMILY HAS BEEN SET UP TO HELP WITH FUNERAL COSTS. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION. THANK YOU!