Thursday, March 3, 2011

time stands still...part 10

wow....so i didn't expect to be writing this. i thought i was done. i had processed all that had happened and now came the moving on...right? isn't that how it's supposed to go?

what i've learned over the last several months as i've reveled in the joy of watching the bean get bigger is that the smallest things will remind me of anne. it doesn't have to be much. like, a hand make christmas ornament made by a dear friend with both their names, or 5 valentines day cards on the fridge instead of 6. or more recently, my birthday.

i turn 34 on friday and i announced last sunday to anyone that would listen that i was taking the whole week as my birthday week. i was feeling very jovial about the plans i was making for myself and my birthday week....but as monday rolled to tuesday and wednesday....all i found myself thinking about was anne.

last night at dinner we were all sitting around the table talking and sharing about each others day. the bean was crying so i picked her up and sat her on the table and just stared at her. it was overwhelming. suddenly, i imagined both my little girls sitting there...fat and happy and smiling back at me. i could see both of their little heads with the wispy baby hair and their perfect eye lashes...mesmerized by their perfectly beautiful blue eyes. i started to realize that i needed to balance them both a little better so they wouldn't tip over with the weight of their over sized heads...and then i realized....i was just holding one. i was sucked back into reality as quickly as i had fallen out of it.

i certainly don't mean to sound ungrateful, because i'm not. i'm really not. i love my family. i love the bean and i'm so thankful for her and her health but, i think if there wasn't an aching in my heart at times for our precious anne, i would be a little concerned. she was real. she was born. i remember i held her little hand. i smelled her beautiful baby smell. i won't forget....that's my biggest fear. a couple months back i wrote this lyric.

the longer you're gone
my memory fades
that bitter sweet sunset, the smell of the day
and now, i need to decide, is it six or five
can i leave without losing your face in my mind

i won't forget sweetheart...i love you.


















click here to read the whole story.

6 comments:

Chelsea McVeigh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chelsea McVeigh said...

Wow, Jeremy, this was so sad, but truly beautiful. You'll never forget Anne, but I hope the pain gets easier to bear as time goes on. Much love to you and the fam <3

Nicky Peterson said...

Praying for you my friend. I am so glad that you are able to write and feel the full spectrum of your grief. Some people just don't know what to do with it!

Happy Birthday. Love you!

Vanessa said...

This is very beautiful. I pray for you guys often. I pray for comfort and healing. I may not know you both that well, but you're always in my thoughts and prayers.

FMN Design said...

Love.

Jody Williamson said...

My heart is breaking for you as I reread this post. I can't even imagine the pain. I think it's so good for you to process here and continue working through your feelings, even if it is looking back and rereading. These posts will help you to always remember the details of this time; what a beautiful albeit painful gift you've given yourself. And one day it will be Jillian reading this and it will help her process too, and that is just amazing. Your love for your children and your wife is unquestionable through these posts. Thank you for sharing.