9:45pm on friday night. i just got out of the shower. i can not describe how good it felt! as i stood under the warm water with my head up and my eyes closed, i felt a release...physical, emotional. it's over.
let me rewind a bit.
two days ago, i was rushing around at work. scrambling the way you do when you have to leave early to go to a doctors appointment. that's what i was doing. sharon and i had a 'level 2' ultrasound scheduled at a doctors office in sacramento that morning. we didn't really know what 'level 2' meant or what the purpose was...but we figured "hey, we're having twins....i must have something to do with that." as we drove to sacramento, we chatted. chatting with each other is a luxury that we don't often get to enjoy in our busy home. 4 kids, 3 jobs, 2 dogs and a cat. there isn't a lot of chatting that goes on. actually, our life is kind of like an assembly line. meal times, school times, homework, appointments, errands. we do everything with acute accuracy and precision. our kids have become used to it. our pets have become used to it. it's how we roll. but in that....there's not a lot of room for chatting. so on our drive, we chatted. sharon and i love to be together. we love talking...or even just being quiet next to one another, holding hands. sometimes the busyness of our lives makes it a little tough to jump right into the groove that we created over 13 years ago....but it doesn't take long to find it. not long at all.
when we got to the doctor's office in sacramento, i had to pee like you wouldn't believe. sharon checked in...filled out the traditional stupid paper work that you fill out anytime you go to a new doctor's office...even though in this day and age, the doctor that referred us could have certainly just emailed our medical history to this new doctor....but then why would things be that easy? :-) after we sat for a bit, they called our names and we got situated in the dimly lit room with the big computer in it. sharon laid down and they piled "the goop" on her beautiful belly. it was in this moment that i knew something was wrong.
almost immediately we could tell that the sonographer had concerns. her expressions, the way she held her mouth. the sighs. we could tell. she made a comment at one point about the amniotic fluid in one of the baby's sack. sharon asked what that meant and the technician replied..."that's not good."
THAT'S NOT GOOD??????
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!!!!??????
fear began to drift into the room like a cloud of smoke. subtle at first as it just crept under the door, and then it became so thick that we could barely see the computer screen with our two little girls on it. finally, the technician finished and the doctor came in. he looked at some of the images that had just been taken, and then he looked at us and asked...."has anyone talked to you guys about twin to twin transfusion syndrome?" we were stunned. we didn't even know what that was. i stared at the doctor and replied, almost indignantly, "no!" he told us that we should meet in the conference room across the hall.
as we sat in that conference room across from the doctor, we listened as he told us about this life threatening complication that our beautiful baby girls had. we were living every parent's nightmare in that moment. imagine any medical television show that you've ever seen where this is happening. ER, gray's...you name it...it's exactly what you think. it happens just like that. you see your life changing and being flung upside down like a mailbox in a tornado with every word coming from the doctors mouth. it is surreal. i know that i blanked out for part of it, but was pulled out of my daze when i heard the doctor say, "well....let me just skip to the good part. there is a treatment for this but it's only done in about 12 locations in the whole world. but luckily, one of them happens to be in san francisco."
the doctor told us confidently that this special team of doctors at UCSF had successfully fixed this exact issue in many of his patients in the past with this relatively new procedure. he seemed to believe it. he made me believe it. his office made some calls and told us that the folks at UCSF would most likely be contacting us in the morning.
hopeful...but still incredibly stunned, we drove home. we barely spoke. every few miles a silent tear would fall down one of our cheeks. scared of the unknown. when we got home, we sat down and with all the strength i could muster, i told our kids in 11, 9, 4 and 2 year old speak what was going to happen. we called our loved ones and let them know what was going on. and then we just sat. silent, scared, uncertain. sharon and i barely slept.
it was just the beginning.
click here to read the whole story.