Tuesday, August 5, 2008

just keep on twisting that knife in my back


have you ever felt betrayed? turned on, by one of your friends? blind sided by your wing man (or women)? chances are, you have. because we're all humans, we all have the ability to hurt the ones we love. but i wonder if this type of relational infraction can actually bring people closer together? hear me out.

most of the time...even with our friends, we keep things fairly surface. we have a certain comfort level with certain folks and we don't typically go beyond that point. in times when one side has hurt the other, it will typically bring on a deeper level of communication, and then vulnerability in the apology or the forgiveness, which will lead to a deeper friendship. see where i'm going?

so i guess the big "if" is weather or not you're the type to talk things out when you get hurt or have hurt someone....or if you just ditch out because you don't know how, or even have a desire to go there with another person. if you're one of the brave souls the risk a bit of human connection....well, i imagine you just might end up with some life long friends that you know you can get through thick or thin with. i'd say that's a reward worth risking something for. you think?

take care...

21 comments:

Natalie said...

Jeramy,
Good point... I agree with you. we are all humans so we mess up. I do believe that we can actually avoid some of the "storms" that head our direction by communication... It is true... Asking forgiveness brings humility and humility is demonstrating Jesus in us...
Jesus calmed the storm from the boat by just 'speaking' to it... We could learn a lot from that... I really enjoy this post.

Nicholle said...

too heavy jeremy! A lot of times when my feelings get hurt I convince myself that I am being too emotional. I think my friends would stop being friends with me if I came to them everytime my feelings got hurt.

I have so many other things to say but can't get them out right. So I am going to get to work!

Thanks for sharing!

Nicholle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Carrie Hasson said...

I am one of those people that "goes there" with her friends...and I have found that too often I become engrossed and overwhelmed. Here is what I've learned.

Boundaries.

I can forgive, I can grow, I am caring and love people and all of their faults. But more than anything I must have boundaries, in each and every relationship I choose. Hope this helps~

vsossaman said...

I need to understand something about boundaries. Do the people that set boundaries inform the people that this is as far as you go? Are relationship hampered from going deeper because of boundaries? I truly want to know! Jesus didn't set boundaries even with Judas, he loved and forgave,

Sharon said...

Wow Michelle... what did you do?

Natalie said...

I think that boundaries are ~very~ healthy! I have had many personal boundaries crossed & I am sure I have crossed others as well...
But I think the main idea of the post was that we can learn a lot by admitting to one another in humility are offenses? Right? Did I miss something?
Jeramy can you bring this all around? (Like Louie)

Natalie said...

Wait a minute... Is this a serious post? I just digested Sharons comment and think maybe this might be about a specific friendship? Am I right? Then if so I am going to have to not take this post to heart... Nicky, I dont think Jeramy is really serious in this post... I am unsure right now.
(good one Jeramy... good one.)

Sharon said...

Jeramy was being serious. I was messing with Michelle...

Natalie said...

Oh, okay. well then just refer to my first comment! (-;

Chelle said...

Sharon - YOU KILL ME! (But I was obviously rewinding the tapes to decide if I had done something! ha ha! You know me TOO well! -- way for me to try and make EVERYTHING about me - ha) I wasn't expecting that as I was scrolling down and reading the other comments. Good one.

J - I'm with you on this. I'm all for taking the good with the bad in relationships. That's what makes them richer. Obviously the good times are better and I personally don't like the thought of hurting or failing people that I love and care about. BUT - it's all about communication... dialogue. Then when you come out on the other side... most of the time you've reached a whole new level. And it's important to know that at some point in all relationships you'll have to ASK forgiveness -- and then they'll come a time when you need to EXTEND forgiveness.

In the words of a GREAT friend who writes DEEP (not shallow) blogs... "give, give, give... give til it hurts."

Thanks for this post today!

Sharon said...

I don't want to say ALWAYS so, I'm going to say a lot of times in relationship issues both parties can say, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me." Not ALWAYS, most of the time.

That to me is the mark of a deep meaningful friendship/relationship. People make bad choices. Cross boundaries. A good friend points that out in a HELPful and loving way. Often times we can't see when we've crossed a line. The other side of that is hearing our friend. We can either chose to hear them and chose not to cross that boundary again or face the natural consequences that life has.

It's about letting people know how to treat you. Not building walls. Not being unforgiving, not being unloving, not being controlling of others... Knowing where we begin and end. Not taking peoples feelings as our own and not pushing your feelings on someone else. Healthy boundaries to protect your soul. God gave us our hearts to protect. Not to let people step all over.

Talking to your friends about how you feel is the sign of a good friendship.

Jesus is right where we can learn healthy boundaries. He had his limits and stuck to them. All over the New Testament, Jesus teaches us about boundaries.

One of my most favorite books is by Cloud and Townsend. Boundaries. And they have a great web site.
www.cloudtownsend.com/

Lauren said...

I know I am blessed to have such a great family so other people may feel differently, but to me it's like when you are really good friends you become like family, uniquely capable of hurting each other but also uniquely capable of resiliency and loving forgiveness.

Natalie said...

Thanks Louie, I mean Sharon (-: For bringing it all back around!

Great point we have to protect our hearts and not put up walls. The goal is to let people know how to treat us.

See Nicky this is all refreshing! We love you!

Remember if you don't have an answer just say "Jesus!" J/K!

I absolutely agree that Jesus is the best example... Can't argue with that...

steve joh said...

wow, i'm actually preaching on judas this weekend- one of the really interesting things about judas is to compare him with Peter. Both betrayed Jesus, both felt bad, both "repented"- but one killed himself and was forever defamed- the other went on to be "the rock" and receive total and complete redemption. So there is a difference in how you respond to betrayal.

james said...

Id love to talk to you about this Jeramy but I just cant help but feel there is something between us. Its almost as if we are miles apart. BTW way to go deep Michelle I am impressed and somewhat surprised!!

Lauren said...

I think an important point you made that's easy to gloss over is that the whole scenerio tends to originate in a surfacey relationship. Funny how in our attempts to be less vulnerable we unwittingly make ourselves vulnerable.

Chelle said...

These rivers run deep James. I just don't like to let on.

And J... did I mention how fantastic this blog was???? Just asking.

Pastor's Perspective said...

I appreciate the depth and honesty of this post J. We can't prevent the knife twisting, but Jesus modeled for us all - we can choose how to respond to it.

Lauren said...

I am going to be scandalous and disagree a little with lovely pastor Steve. Not always for sure, but I think that sometimes we CAN prevent the knife twisting. Has something been off with a friend lately? Have you tried to talk about it or did you decide to let it be, see if it blows over? Or maybe you've been letting the "little" hurts with a friend build up without talking to them about it, setting yourself up for that final straw to feel like a 2x4. Once the knife hits, sure, all you can control is your reaction, but putting real work and communication into our relationships has the potential to prevent the strike to begin with. Sometimes no matter what you do its going to happen, but I do think part of the forgiveness process involves looking inward and seeing if the need for forgiveness might be mutual.

Cheryl said...

Jeremy, Loved this post once I got past the thought of 'what did Michelle do now' and really let it sink in. Because of our lifestyle of moving around we have had the opportunity to meet lots of people and we have life long ties with the ones where both sides were willing to be transparent and vulnerable. There is always the risk of being hurt in those relationships and they are not easy but the alternative is 'walking on egg shells' and wondering what people are thinking... No Thanks, I'll take the tears over that any day!!! There is a scripture in Proverbs 27:5-6 ... Better is an open rebuke than hidden love, the wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses...