thoughts and words of jeramy sossaman

twin twin transfusion (TTTS) and sharon at UCSF

2012-02-08T13:21:00.000-08:00

almost a year ago, sharon was asked by the fetal treatment center at ucsf if she was willing to share a bit of our story while we were at the hospital. here's some video that they took from that day. as i watch this i'm overwhelmed by how strong sharon is. i'm honored to journey life with this incredibly beautiful, incredibly brave women.
you can read the whole story here.

Kristen Bell's Sloth Meltdown

2012-02-02T11:24:00.000-08:00

this is arguably THE MOST HILARIOUS THING I'VE EVER SEEN!!!!!

team anne and jillian

2012-01-31T13:31:00.000-08:00

hey there! long time no see....huh? i guess that's my fault, isn't it. yeah. it is my fault....sorry. :-)

any how, i wanted to let you know that our family will be walking in the san francisco march for babies event again this year on april 28. on july 13, 2010, sharon gave birth to our two beautiful twin girls...anne and jillian. you can read the whole story here. we walk in honor of jillian and in remembrance of our dear anne. if you would like to partner with us either financially or by walking with us on the day of the event, we would be incredibly grateful. you can get the details on my march for babies page. please check it out.

simple

2011-12-23T09:26:00.000-08:00

seems easy, right?

WRONG!

regardless of the lack of convolution that we begin with, by the end, it's inevitable that we'll be swimming in a soupy marsh-like waste land of complexity....in just about everything we touch. do you agree?

i don't know how that happens. well, i kind of do. take me for example. sharon and i got married when i was 21 years old...a baby in the eyes of everyone but my 12 year old. we lived in a 1 bedroom apartment, no pets, one car, one job, no money....simple....until 6 months later, when sharon comes up to me with tears (happy/sad/scared) in her eyes and said those 2 life changing words....I'M PREGNANT! enter the next level of complexity.

fast forward to today. i'm 34. we have 5 kids, 3 jobs, 2 dogs, 1 cat and a mortgage. as you can imagine, life has become a we bit more involved for us. now, please don't misunderstand....i'm not complaining by any means. i am, however stating the truth that our life is NOT a no brainer anymore. hours of conversation, thought, prayer and stress go into the choices that sharon and i have made together...and we wouldn't have it any other way. but my question today is, why must we make things more complicated? what's wrong with simple?

i've often wondered if it's an american thing....more, bigger, faster. or, is it just a human thing? what keeps us from simply being content? career, family, financially, etc...

you could also make the argument that contentment would simply bread apathy and a lack of progress....but i'm not totally sure that more complex always equals greater satisfaction.

as we drift into the holidays like a boat with a broken engine at the pier, i challenge you to think about what you do...and more importantly, why? do you know your purpose? and more importantly, does your life reflect it?

food for thought.

i hope you enjoy your christmas with your family or friends. take care.

bean light

2011-12-17T15:29:00.001-08:00

save me

2011-12-14T09:44:00.000-08:00

sometimes things really are bad....but sometimes it's just your perspective. change the way you think. the way you see. your focus. and maybe, just maybe things will change.

save me...i need more then a hand to hold i need to be carried

it is beginning to look a lot like christmas

2011-12-04T12:05:00.001-08:00

wrap it up like a burrito

2011-11-25T15:15:00.001-08:00

all things taste better in a tortilla.

happy thanksgiving

2011-11-24T17:04:00.001-08:00

if walls could talk

2011-11-22T07:30:00.001-08:00

I saw this old building in Oakland a couple weeks back and I was really intrigued. it just looked like it had a lot of stories resting in it's old walls. I wonder if the people who live there know?

insufficient

2011-11-21T21:27:00.001-08:00

I went surfing today...for the first time in a long time and I'm not quite sure what I was expecting, but it didn't measure up. my life has been in major need of release lately. I feel like if I could bottle and sell all the tension in my back to a rubber band company I just might be able to retire on Friday. I'm getting off topic....

as I got in the water I realized that I was putting way too much stock in the healing power of the ocean. why did I do that? what was a really expecting?

I'm not sure if I can pin point what I need, nor what it will take to relieve it...but I know that a constant barrage of trauma isn't the answer...and that seems to be all I've been getting lately.

even though today wasn't all I had hoped, I think I'll keep trying...something.

you think you are having a bad morning?

2011-10-14T08:02:00.001-07:00

this is what I saw on my way to work this morning...yeah, my day is a cake walk in comparison. funny how powerful a little perspective is. be encouraged!

do you need a little sunshine?

2011-09-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

thankful

2011-09-23T08:47:00.001-07:00

this morning as I drove into work with my son, I was overcome with how completely amazing our life is. it is so easy....I mean, like, with no thought or effort at all even after a big fat reminder...to forget and to take for granted this life we have in the states. life is not meant to be easy. we are not entitled to anything...and still we (I) am gifted with so much...and this morning, as my son chatted with me about his latest blog post as we watched the sun come up I was reminded. but it's not enough to just be thankful for what we have. it can't stop simply with a blog post. the response needs to be an outpouring to be gracious to others. it can't just rest in our lap. it needs to go beyond us.

that's it. I hope you're encouraged...have a great weekend.

I have power

2011-09-19T10:15:00.001-07:00

I'm not good at spending money on myself, but Friday I did. I present to you my new pedal board. actually it's my old pedal board with a new power supply and overdrive pedal. I warn you...if you aren't a guitar player this will be SUPER boring for you...but if you are, enjoy! here's the run down:

1 - BOSS TU-2 tuner
1 - Original Thomas Organ Co. crybaby pedal
1 - Fulltone full-drive 2 mosfet (this sounds killer!!!)
1 - MXR phase 90 (i've had this since i first started playing...i can never get rid of it)
1 - Whirlwind AB switcher (A goes to my Fender silverface super and B goes to my direct box for my acoustic
1 - Voodoo Lab pedal power 2 plus (I LOVE THIS! it's so quiet and works perfect.)

That's it....pretty simple....

the past month

2011-09-02T08:47:00.001-07:00

so I've seen it written several times already so I must not be the only one...IS IT REALLY SEPTEMBER!!??!?!?!?!

this last month flew by and it was so full for our family that it makes me tired even thinking about it all. so I'm just going to give you a visual...that's better for me any ways. enjoy and have a great weekend!!!

whew.....that's it. I hope you have a happy labor day weekend.

surf report

2011-09-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

i know....really. i went surfing yesterday. with the exception of our vacation in the spring, this was the first time i had gone with my regular group of surf buddies in over a year. i guess it's still technically summer although no one seems to have sent the memo to northern california. but yesterday was a lot like winter surf. big and thick and BIG. did i mention big?

we were at 38th in santa cruz and i stayed in the kiddie pool section away from the real surfers. but i got in my wet suit, got in the water, and had a couple of waves pick me up and sling me toward the shore like a giant liquid sling shot. so, epic or not...i guess i did what i set out to do.

i'm going to be working on some stuff to hopefully get better at surfing. i really do want to make that a priority. i'll let you know what's happening soon. so, until then...here are some images from yesterday. have a great day!

cowell's was flat so we moved on...

it was firing a little bit south from pleasure point to 38th and the hook.

strong

2011-08-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

i'm a geek....let's just get that out of the way.

are you strong? do you know how you are strong? i'm not asking how much you can bench or if you could take me out all "over the top" style in an arm wrestling match. what i'm asking is if you know what your strengths are as an individual....and if you don't....would you like to know?

recently i starting reading a book (gasp!) called strengths finder 2.0 by tom rath. the book comes with a sealed envelope and inside that envelope is a unique code. you go to www.strengthsfinder.com and enter the code and that leads you to a series of questions that in the end will give you what the author thinks are your top 5 strengths.

well....i was super interested in seeing how wrong this tom guy was. so, i did it. once i had my list of strengths, the book describes in detail how these particular strengths play out in real life. what they look like, how they manifest, how individuals with a particular strength can effectively work with individuals of a different strength....really interesting stuff....or at least to me. again, i'm a geek. so, do you wanna know my strengths?

1. strategic-the strategic theme enables me to sort through the clutter and find the best route. it is not a skill that can be taught. it is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. armed with my strategy, i strike forward. i ask myself "what if?" then i select and strike.
2. responsibility-the responsibility theme forces me to take mental ownership of anything i commit to, large or small, and then binds me emotionally to follow through to completion. apologies, excuses and rationalizations are not enough and totally unacceptable.
3. relator-this is a relational trait. i am comfortable with intimacy. once an initial connection is made, i deliberately encourage a deepening of the relationship. i want to understand your feelings, goals, fears and dreams...i want you to understand mine. i realize this type of closeness involves a certain amount of risk...but i'm willing to accept that.
4. communication-i like to explain, describe, host, speak in public and write (duh). ideas and events are dry and static....i need to bring them to life. i know most people have a short attention span and are constantly bombarded with information, so i want my information to survive. this is what drives my hunt for the perfect phrase...and why people like to listen to me.
5. developer-i see potential in others...sometimes that's all i see. when i interact with people, my goal is to help them experience success. i look for ways and experiences to challenge and stretch them...and then i watch for signs of growth. these signs of growth are my fuel.

wow. so, even as i read through these again i'm getting super excited! i am reading through this book with a group of friends and the other night at dinner we all divulged our own strengths and the subsequent descriptions from the book. i couldn't believe how the words of the author seemed to be written not just about a generic theme, applicable to many, but in my own mind and ears...written only to me. like, "how did he know?" this new information has completely energized my own sense of who i am. it's pretty amazing actually. i feel like i'm starting to live with so much more intention because i'm really aware now of who and what i am. it's really been inspiring! so, maybe you might want to try this for yourself if you haven't already. i highly recommend it!

have a great weekend...take care!

fighting for joy

2011-08-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

seems like a strange combination of action.

i consider myself a lover, so the word fighting doesn't conjure up warm and fuzzies for me. i think of pain, fear, death, insecurity....none of which are my top party talk topics.

joy on the other hand is how i feel when i see a beautiful image of my kids. or when i look at sharon across a crowded room to see her laugh and smile with her friends. or when i look at the bean and remember how far she's come.

but fighting for joy?

sharon made that statement to me last week and i've been thinking about it ever since. as a rule, we are happy people. we are half full. grateful for how god has and is directing our path, daily. content and happy. crazy, but joyful. now, obviously life has it's share of ups and downs, but i think for most of us (especially living in the u.s.) if we really thought about it for a second, we'd realize that we are truly blessed in abundance. but it's so easy to see what you don't have. isn't it? so easy to tune into the next thing, or the better car, or the bigger house, or the more prestigious career. if we aren't careful, we can get bogged down in that rat race of an existence and begin every day fighting more. but really, what we should fight for is joy.

every day this week, let's make it our first thought when we wake up. let's say to our self, "self...today i'm going to fight for joy. today, i'm going to put my energy into chasing after it with all that i have...no matter what my circumstance. i know my situation does not determine it....so i'm going to go for it. i'm going to fight! because if there's one thing worth fighting for...it's joy."

she

2011-08-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

today is an incredibly important day. more important then the deadline to raise the debt ceiling...today is my beautiful wife's birthday. sharon and i have been celebrating her birthday together since we met on oct. 26, 1996. i was one year out of high school and not looking to get in a relationship, and then i saw her.

if you've hung out with us for any length of time you may have heard us tell our story. i love telling it actually. i love how i paint the pursuant in a different shade then she does. i love how she interrupts me to make sure i get the story right. it's one of my favorite things. i still remember the first time we kissed, on stinson beach under the mysterious blanket of northern california fog....how my heart was beating out of my chest, and in one moment, i knew that we were meant to be together.

we are not the same people, huddled under that blanket at stinson. we've grown....we've changed. we've walked together through same amazing times, and incredibly agonizing moments that have marked us forever.

but through it all...and in times and moments still unknown to us, we are...and will ever be together....

i love you sharon, so much more then a blog post. you are my soul mate. happy birthday to you on your very special day.

She may be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough in ready years
Me, I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is she

-elvis costello

planking

2011-08-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

uh....seriously? have you heard of this? is planking really the "in thing" to do? i can tell you that i will never be caught planking. ridiculous!

a little patience

2011-07-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

sometimes....heck, all the time....patience is good form. whether it's standing in line at the bank or the store, or when listening to your chatty neighbor tell a story....you can always employee a little patience....and you're a better person for doing so.

our world moves too fast as it is and i think if we would all just slow down a bit, the world would be a better place. so, encouragement for the day is....try a little patience.

have a great weekend!

for the night

2011-07-28T06:00:00.000-07:00

it's hard for me to imagine once i'm outside of the moment why there's anything worth fighting with my beautiful wife about. it's so unclear when i'm in the middle of it. but it's at that point of realization when i stop defending myself and focusing on my own point of view that i remember how much i love her and how much more graceful and gentle she is then i, which then leads me to a strong desire to smack myself in the head with a strong "snap out of it" like cher in moon struck.

words to live by....fight the problem, not each other. remember to laugh at her jokes. don't ever loose the flutter in your heart when she walks in a room...and when she cries....just hug her. if i did this right all the time....well...i certainly wouldn't have need for this post. i love you babe. i'm sorry i'm a jerk sometimes.....this song says it better then i could.

music by laura reaux

don't cry

2011-07-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

they just don't make rock god's like this anymore.....sigh.

foursquare

2011-07-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

so, what's the deal? who's on foursquare? do you like it? do you hate it? what's it for? how do you use it? WILL you use it?

it's interesting how there are so many products available that track where you are and transmit that information to other people. i've just recently started playing around with foursquare after i had vowed not to add any more social networking sites to my life. something about it was interesting to me. oddly enough, i don't use the similar "check in" feature on facbook. but i'd love to get your feedback about it if you have any to offer.

to foursquare or not to foursquare...that is the question.

why do you blog?

2011-07-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

i was talking to a friend of mine who recently started her own internet journey and she told me that she was making her blog private because it was jut for her kids and friends to see the things that she deemed interesting enough in her life to post it.

when she said that...at first, i didn't get it. i mean...after all, isn't the purpose of a blog to reach a broader audience? not for her it wasn't.

that got me thinking about why i choose to express my thoughts and ideas this way and how or why that differs from my other online partners.

i think in a lot of ways...when you see something in print it automatically has legitimacy. whether accurate or not...the perception is...if it's written down...it must be true (or at least half true). but for me, the ability to hit "POST" and watching my words float away into the vast chasm of cyber space gives me a sense that i'm somehow communicating with a lot of people at once. regardless of the actual numbers that read this. it's kind of like the difference between standing in my bedroom on a wooden box, spilling my guts about my deepest, inner-most thoughts to the tv, un-made bed and the stack of laundry vs. taking that same box out to the center of my neighborhood and unleashing my message to the atmosphere and any one else who will listen. there's a sense that the message has gained some inertia because of where and how it's being transmitted.

i realize as i write those words that i'm coming across a bit like an ego maniac. and i'm not. but at the end of the day....i like to be heard and to be known. i think that's pretty normal actually for most of us. i think we all want to be known on some degree. what we think, who we are, what we value.

so, this is going out to all you bloggers out there....why do you do it? promotion? connection? for family updates? for profit? what is it?

...ready, go!

please forgive me

2011-07-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

you know when you keep hearing the same message from different sources over and over again, that you probably need to pay attention....right? that was my experience a few months back as the topic of forgiveness kept knocking on my door like a newspaper salesmen during dinner time. i kept telling him to come back later at a more convenient time and each night as i heard the knock on the door i was reminded that was still unprepared (unwilling) to listen to his pitch.

forgiveness is a strange thing to me. it's not something you can hold or put into your car. you can't see it or smell it...but make no mistake, it is incredibly powerful. powerful for the one getting and the one giving. when i feel wronged and i tighten my grip on forgiveness, almost gritting my teeth as i refuse to give it away, that offense seems to rule over me like a cruel king sitting on a monstrously tall thrown swinging his scepter at me every time i deny his request. likewise when forgiveness is given freely it can feel as if the chains of ill-will have been broken and dropped from your shoulders.

but the aspect of forgiveness that is most intriguing to me is how sometimes it must be given more then once. it's a choice to be sure...but sometimes you need to choose it now, and a year from now....choose it again. and maybe a month later....choose it again. our emotions aren't like light switches to simply turn on and off. i think we are more like dimmer switches with varying degrees of light or darkness. you may need to forgive the same offense many times. in fact, for some offenses, you may never have a time that you don't need to choose forgiveness again, and again.

i hope this resonates with you....it does for me. take care.

i'm talking 'bout....mill valley, that's my home!

2011-07-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

ok, so i openly admit that i stole the idea of posting this song from my beautiful wife, but i'm going to post it anyways. it's pretty darn funny. especially if you grew up there....which she did. seriously, we do love mill valley. apparently magalicious and the muffin were cracking each other up last night singing this song to each other. i think i'd like to see a video of that....how about you? so, enjoy this great little ditty by the great rita abrams and keep an eye out for our favorite park which makes a small cameo. alright....here it is....enjoy your friday!

after the flood

2011-07-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

water is amazing. beautiful. powerful. at times...uncontrollable.

recently i saw news reports of the floods in missouri and watched in awe as the water rose higher and higher and people were displaced from their homes at an alarming rate. the thing about floods is that some times buildings that are affected are not torn down. often times, walls and flooring can be replaced, walls are repaired, but the structures will still remain. even after such a profound trauma they are still standing. marked by the flood, but not destroyed.

isn't that true for us too? how many of you have lived through horribly life changing events? sickness, job loss, death, financial collapse? waters rose in our own lives and left us forever changed. marked by the flood...but at the end of the day our structure was still standing. repair was necessary, and would take some time. your story will always include the memory of the flood...but it will also tell the story of the restoration.

amazing, powerful, beautiful....uncontrollable.

one year

2011-07-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

can it be true? has it been a whole year already?

july 9, 2010....sharon and i showed up to UCSF for a "standard" doctor's appointment and ended up beginning a journey that would change our lives forever. most of you know...but for those of you that don't you can read the whole story right here.

a lot has happened. life has continued as much as we might have wanted it to stop at times. jillian has continued to grow and do very well. and by God's great protection she has stayed healthy and steered clear from sickness and unforeseen health troubles. we are incredibly thankful and grateful for that.

as the 1 year marker approaches i've found myself longing for and dreading the same thing, all at the same time. today, we celebrate...and mourn simultaneously. it's difficult to put into words, but i know that even though we are acutely aware of the fragility of life, we are still running head first into it with all that we have....and we'll continue to.

thank you Lord for carrying us through these last 365 days. YOU are our supply and our comfort and our strong tower in our time of weakness.

happy birthday jillian.

anne...may you rest in God's everlasting peace.

going dark

2011-04-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

hey all...
i hope this gorgeous morning is treating you well. bright and shiny...not dark like the title of this post. so what's with the title you may be asking yourself? more on that in a minute...first, here's a bit of an update.

my beautiful wife and our 5 amazing kids have just gotten back from 10 glorious days at our happy place on the beach and i find myself in desperate withdraws already. so, to aid in my own rehabilitation, here are a few highlights from our trip and one of the many gorgeous sunsets that we witnessed.

beautiful huh? we all had such a great time of relaxation and reconnection. as most of you know, 2010, was an incredibly trying year for our family...and the beach was just what the doctor ordered.

now, for the title. going dark? i wanted to let you know that for the next several months (not exactly sure how long) my blog is going dark. quiet. on hiatus. why, you ask? only because i find myself in a stage of wanting to restructure many areas of my life...and i don't know totally how that's going to look, but i do know that it will require a process of stripping down many elements in order to rebuild things the way i'd like. i'm grateful for this blog and the outlet that it is for me...and i appreciate all of you for reading and sharing your own thoughts on my madness. my hope is that i return better then ever...but at this point, i just don't know. so, thanks. love you all...and for now...goodbye!

one more thing...

2011-03-28T21:17:00.001-07:00

gummy bears are my favorite. done!

day 1 -surf

2011-03-28T21:14:00.001-07:00

so I really stunk up the joint today. I surfed twice which is a record for me and all I was left with was a pretty good sum burn and some really sore biceps.

in my defense (because I can't stand it if I don't defend myself) I hadn't surfed in about 8 months. so...I'm trying to make up for it this week. I'm going again tomorrow for sure. if you want to see the latest and greatest of my aquatic failings be sure and follow me on twitter or friend me on fb. I'm graciously posted all of my pics there. I know you want to see.

right-o. hopefully a better surf report tomorrow. nighty night earthlings.

Location:Beach Dr,Aptos,United States

I can't stop

2011-03-28T21:04:00.001-07:00

who are you? do you know? I want you to really think about that. who are you?

if you can answer that question right now then you are in a better place then I am. I know what my job is and I know what I do every day...but is that who I am?

I'm at my happy place with my fam for the next week or so and the ease of my days right now make it simple to reflect on such lofty subjects. I'm sitting on my balcony listening to the rhythm of the waves on the beach and while I notice that they never stop I can't help but wonder if we are the same way? do we have a specific purpose like the waves? and could we even stop if we were completely immersed in our true calling? would we even want to?

the stars are so bright...and the wind is cool. do we know where we should be? search yourself enough to get even a tiny glimpse. free yourself enough to consider the possibilities.

how's the view from the microscope?

2011-03-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

criticism is an interesting thing. it's subjective. it's one sided. it can often be wrong and sometimes it can even be dead on. it's all a matter of perspective, isn't it?

some people offer criticism once and awhile...and certain folks are critics of anything they come in contact with. i guess my question is, when do you think criticism is warranted or appropriate...or even necessary?

recently a friend of mine was commissioned to create and release some art on a national level. i'm talking a big release, tv interviews, best seller lists, promotional tour, the whole nine yards. pretty exciting stuff! while i was watching the proverbial sales comet race through the sky, i noticed that there was a small (but vocal) virtual club of industry insiders taking some pretty mean shots at this art. my initial reaction was to look up the most scathing words i could find in the dictionary and write the greatest tongue lashing ever generated from human fingers tips in defense of my friend. but as i thought more, i realized that unleashing my retaliatory manifesto on these "incredibly enlightened individuals" (that's sarcasm) would in the short term make me feel better...but in the long term only give more power to their words.

the fact is that some people enjoy criticizing. they do. truth be told...maybe we all do in one way or another. but i realized that anyone can have a blog (right?)...after all they are free! but simply writing down words doesn't make them true anymore then me standing in a garage makes me a car.

so if you are dodging some verbal bullets right now in your own life...don't fret. the same reasons and inspiration that started you on your journey are still there. pay no head to the haters. they'll find someone else to criticize soon.

enjoy your day!

the bean's first music video

2011-03-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

this is hilarious! check out the bean in her first music video...oh, and please consider supporting team anne and jillian in the march for babies. thanks!

Click here to help me reach my goal!

you say it's your birthday

2011-03-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

well....it's my birthday too! that's right. i turn 34 today. happy birthday to me. and in honor of me doing what i want on my birthday i'd like give something to you. i leave you with one of my all time favorite songs. i hope you enjoy it....oh....how would you have felt if you were this girl? crazy huh?

oh! also...don't forget to leave your daily comment on this post so you can win an autographed copy of the new album PANIC by east of western. take care. have a great weekend!

time stands still...part 10

2011-03-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

wow....so i didn't expect to be writing this. i thought i was done. i had processed all that had happened and now came the moving on...right? isn't that how it's supposed to go?

what i've learned over the last several months as i've reveled in the joy of watching the bean get bigger is that the smallest things will remind me of anne. it doesn't have to be much. like, a hand make christmas ornament made by a dear friend with both their names, or 5 valentines day cards on the fridge instead of 6. or more recently, my birthday.

i turn 34 on friday and i announced last sunday to anyone that would listen that i was taking the whole week as my birthday week. i was feeling very jovial about the plans i was making for myself and my birthday week....but as monday rolled to tuesday and wednesday....all i found myself thinking about was anne.

last night at dinner we were all sitting around the table talking and sharing about each others day. the bean was crying so i picked her up and sat her on the table and just stared at her. it was overwhelming. suddenly, i imagined both my little girls sitting there...fat and happy and smiling back at me. i could see both of their little heads with the wispy baby hair and their perfect eye lashes...mesmerized by their perfectly beautiful blue eyes. i started to realize that i needed to balance them both a little better so they wouldn't tip over with the weight of their over sized heads...and then i realized....i was just holding one. i was sucked back into reality as quickly as i had fallen out of it.

i certainly don't mean to sound ungrateful, because i'm not. i'm really not. i love my family. i love the bean and i'm so thankful for her and her health but, i think if there wasn't an aching in my heart at times for our precious anne, i would be a little concerned. she was real. she was born. i remember i held her little hand. i smelled her beautiful baby smell. i won't forget....that's my biggest fear. a couple months back i wrote this lyric.

the longer you're gone
my memory fades
that bitter sweet sunset, the smell of the day
and now, i need to decide, is it six or five
can i leave without losing your face in my mind

i won't forget sweetheart...i love you.

click here to read the whole story.

the silent sermon

2011-02-17T06:00:00.000-08:00

this is a little outside of what i usually put on my blog...but a friend emailed this story to me and i thought it made a beautiful analogy of how much each one of us NEED community. i searched the intrawebs to find out who wrote it, but couldn't find the author...i hope you enjoy it.

A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the preacher decided to visit him.

It was a chilly evening. The pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his preacher's visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace...and waited. The preacher made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs. After some minutes, the preacher took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone, then he sat back in his chair, still silent.

The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and dead.

Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting. The preacher glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the preacher reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, 'Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I will be back in church next Sunday.'

We live in a world today, which tries to say too much with too little. Consequently, few listen. Sometimes the best sermons are the ones left unspoken.

are you humble?

2011-02-16T06:00:00.000-08:00

no. you aren't!

that was the reality i was faced with this morning as i listened to one of the podcast i subscribe to. do you cut in line at the grocery store? do you drive on the shoulder on the freeway only to cut in at the last second? do you walk quickly to the table at the restaurant so you can get the best seat? you do!!!!! I'M SO SHOCKED!!! not really....because i do too.

why do we do those things? it's simple...we do them because at our core we believe we are more important then everyone else. we are selfish people. all of us.

whoa! that's a little uncomfortable isn't it? it is for me too.

so, this makes me wonder to myself what things i can do different in my life to be more humble? not concepts...but real action steps? what would our world look like if everyone was more humble? how would that affect culture? entertainment? politics? the economy? it's an interesting thought, huh?

i'm going to try it...i hope you'll join me.

and while you're contemplating my humility and your own....i humbly ask you to CLICK HERE and leave a comment so you can win some FREE STUFF! then...tell you friends so they can leave a comment too. thanks!

the greatest gift of all

2011-02-15T06:00:00.000-08:00

a few weeks back i told you guys about a new song i had written for our church. well...over the last few weeks, i've been lucky enough to have a couple of folks capture our band playing it. it's always great to see how people respond to something you've created. here are a couple different version of the same song....i hope you enjoy!

PANIC!!!

2011-02-11T06:00:00.000-08:00

what's today? anybody? that's right...february 11, 2011. the crazy thing about my blog is that it does not lie...especially about the date. it knows where. it knows when. it can usually even tell me who and how. so as i look back at this post and this post i realize that the title to THIS post seems a bit odd. because it's almost two years later!!!!

but alas, it is true. for those of you that don't know, east of western is the band i play drums in. yes drums! and our new record, PANIC is coming out on march 18. you can hear a preview here but if you're really feeling eager, you can hear the entire album (well, at least the songs that we put on the set list) AND get your hands on your very own copy on march 18 at cafe du nord in san francisco. you can buy tickets for the show here. unfortunately for all of our 12 year old fans, this show is for people 21 years old and up. BUT, i do have some good news for all the 12 year olds AND those of you that aren't patient enough to wait until march 18. leave a comment down below (remember to leave your email address in the comment form) telling me how excited you are about PANIC and the person that leaves the 200th comment will receive a FREE autographed copy of both east of western's debut record AND our new record PANIC before you can buy it. are you down with that? yes, i said 200th comment, so you need to send this to all your friends so they can fill up the other 199 comments.

this is really serious business folks....the band is in training...getting into fighting shape. we're even rehearsing! here are some shots i took from rehearsal the other night.

ok...let's get going. who's going to be the winner? the 200th comment....ready, GO!

i believe in you

2011-02-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

here's a new group (well, new to me) called black dub that my friend brian turned me on to. i hope you enjoy!

words have power

2011-02-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

i was talking with some friends tonight about how certain words hold more weight then others. do you agree with that? our history as a nation has enough verbal blemishes to even make the fcc continue to blush...or at least fine...to this very day because of this fact. why is that? what makes words so powerful? because...after all...they are JUST words...right?

i think words affect us so much because once they are said...you can't take them back. they are permanent...forever...finite. you may be able to apologize for you words...and may even be able to forgive someones words...but they can never be erased. ever. this makes me think that maybe i need to be more careful with my own. thinking first and speaking after. what am i trying to say? STOP! be careful with the feelings of those around you. you'll be glad you did.

mera koh...VOTE FOR FAIRFIELD!

2011-02-08T17:48:00.000-08:00

boy are we desperate....please mera...please come to fairfield!

do you want to feel good?

2011-02-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

helloooo folks! i wanted to reach out to you all on this beautiful friday and tell you that i love you! if you're feeling a little down, then get ready to turn that attitude around....(i'm so a radio dj right now)....cause i want you turn up whatever volume knob you've got in front of you and let the music make you smile....you're going to like it! i promise. have a great weekend...hug those that you love and then tell them you love them....there's no time like today! whooohoooo!!!!!

the light is left on

2011-02-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

how do you feel when someone waits for you? let me speak clearer. how do you feel when you are feeling insecure, maybe in an unfamiliar place and all of a sudden out of the blue you see a familiar face. someone to anchor your almost seaworthy vessel in a turbulent ocean of relational interaction. isn't that the best!

I recently found myself alone. longing for a friend in the midst of an uncomfortable out of place moment. I looked left...and right...and left again, but there was no one there to bail me out. no one to anchor to. I thought about leaving...actually i almost left, but then I realized that if I left I would just be robbing myself out of whatever moment I was about to walk out of...any why would I do that?

I'm here to tell you that you ARE capable. you ARE strong enough to do this on your own. I'm not sure if that resonates with you or not...but I think it might. it does for me.

I hope you're well. take care...

beautiful things

2011-01-31T06:00:00.000-08:00

hey all...wow, what an incredible week off. i went into radio silence last week from the blog, twitter, facebook, et al...and let me say that i did indeed miss you. but it was a good thing and i was able to get a lot of very necessary stuff done.

a couple weeks back i asked the question "are you an artist?" which lead me on my own mental journey...partly through the vast wasteland of self doubt and then finally through lush green vista of encouragement. but as with most things, one question sparks another. i began to ask myself, is art the same as talent? are they interchangeable elements? or, does art infer something that talent does not? i think this is a good question to ask.

so, as you contemplate that, please enjoy this wonderful piece of art by my good friends in the band gungor...in honor of their show last night that i missed. take care...

what pushes your buttons?

2011-01-19T06:00:00.000-08:00

what really bugs you? i think it's good to know the answer to this question. now, i will conceit that there are different buttons for different relationships, but if you're like me...i would bet that there is a common thread of irritants that really have the ability to set you off.

yesterday, i had a "negative interaction" (diplomatic) with a co-worker. historically, he and i don't have a close relationship but we have learned to work together successfully for many years, so in general we are good. actions beget words which beget heated words which beget angry response. you know the typical course of events. and in the end, we both made a decision to be professionals on the surface, but below the surface lay a festering pool of toxic animosity.

as i drove home from work i replayed the situation in my mind to figure out how/when things went wrong. what was my part? what was his? and happily, i came to the conclusion that i felt justified in my actions. everything i said WAS right and true. that's always a good feeling, right? but in the middle of my self righteous victory dance, i realized that i had left out one key element. there was a specific moment when i had an opportunity to diffuse the situation and i chose not to. i felt stepped on and i wasn't going to take it. i was going to show him who was boss. that was it. that was my part.

now, looking back i realize that a very large shiny red emotional button for me is pride. and more specifically when i feel disrespected. one of my favorite authors once wrote this famous proverb for a healthy life. "the road of right living bypasses evil; watch your step and save your life. First pride, then the crash—the bigger the ego, the harder the fall." wow! that's pretty clear huh? so, i guess i know what i need to work on...do you want to join me?

are you an artist?

2011-01-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

i've got to admit, that word has always intimidated me a bit. even when i was dreaming and working at being a rock star, i don't think i would have ever called myself an artist. i felt like an entertainer. i filled a hole. a space. but an artist...well, that's quite a bit higher on the ladder of creativity. artist paint, or compose musical masterpiece or write inspirational books. they certainly don't write dumb pop songs. for sure.

mostly through the inspiration of my beautiful wife, i've begun to reconsider my place in the creative world in the last few years. i've come to realize that i do have gifts. talents. stuff that not everyone can do. and even though i don't rise to the same level as those that i would consider artists, i believe that i would still get a ticket to the award show, none the less.

yesterday, a friend of mine filmed an interview with me for a video he is putting together on creativity. he was filming a photographer (a cute one), a cook, a painter, and i guess i rounded off the musician quota. as i sat there by my fire pit answering his questions, thinking about what inspires me, i realized that the largest part of creativity is just being observant to the life that's going on around you. life that happens with or with out you. so, really...an artist is just a commentator on life...right?

the ability to offer that commentary though in a way that people will actually want to watch or taste or listen is what is really special. not everyone can do that. it starts off as raw talent...but it's definitely a muscle that needs to be exercised.

now, that i'm getting older....side note...how old do you have to be when you start saying things like "now, that i'm getting older"? perhaps that's another blog post. back to my point...as i'm getting older, i've began to really appreciate the arts more and it's role in culture. that appreciation has pushed me to continue to create...even if i don't feel like it or really have the time for it. because i really believe that a world without art and creativity is a world that's not worth living in.

so my encouragement to you is to continue to create. whatever it is. if you once played an instrument but now it does nothing more then collect dust. dust it off and learn the joy of music again. if you used to write, but kids and life and responsibility tell you that you don't have time. buy a beautiful new journal and schedule (that part is important) time to write in it regularly. painting, sculpture, photography, poetry, drama, songwriting. do it! don't listen to the reasons why you shouldn't...only pay attention to the reasons you should.

if it's not beautiful or useful...THROW IT OUT!

2011-01-14T06:00:00.000-08:00

sounds a little extreme doesn't it? but think about this for a minute. if you're like me, you've got a garage, or a storage unit, or someplace where your stuff is. you know what kind of stuff i'm talking about...the kind of stuff that would take you 2 hours to find in the pile of other stuff. the kind of stuff that you haven't looked at or thought about in 5 years or more. and the kind of stuff that doesn't affect your daily life at all. yes. that kind of stuff.

we all have it...and that leads me to my point. why?

why do we have it? what purpose does it serve other then creating clutter or head ache or more things to dust and insure?

i was talking with a friend recently who told me that his motto for 2011 was "if it's not beautiful or useful that he's going to throw it away". my first thought was "wow, that's a bit extreme" but the more i considered the concept, the more i began to feel how absolutely freeing that would be. pick up the box...useful? no. beautiful? definitely not. gone. simple, huh?

this might require some heavy duty black trash bags or maybe a couple trips to the dump. but when you're done, you will have literally shed years and pounds of baggage. i'm beginning to realize that our family dynamic is super fast and intense. every day is like an assembly line and the more we can do to make things run smoother and more efficient is a good choice. but better then that is the idea that i want my home to be a place of refuge. a place of beauty. and if all i do is continue to amass more stuff...just for the sake of having it. well, then i'm not only being irresponsible financially but i'm also moving further away from my goal.

this may mean something different for you then it does for me...but either way, i'd encourage you to block out a whole day...maybe two and begin sifting through your stuff...and if it's not beautiful or useful...throw it out! good luck.

have a great weekend!

please join team anne and jillian

2011-01-13T06:00:00.000-08:00

On July 13, 2010 my wife gave birth to our two beautiful identical twin girls (Anne & Jillian) at 28 weeks gustation. Just 3 hours after their birth, our darling Anne passed away. Jillian is now 6 months old and doing very well. While we mourn for the loss of Anne, we also rejoice in Jillian's life. Because of this profound experience in our family, I'm walking in March for Babies...and I need your help.

Please support my walk. Making a secure donation is easy: just click the 'donate now' button on this page. Thank you for helping me give all babies a healthy start!

The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality.

Your gift will support March of Dimes research and programs that help moms have full-term pregnancies and babies begin healthy lives. And it will be used to bring comfort and information to families with a baby in newborn intensive care.

You can read more of Anne and Jillian's story here.

Thank you for your support!

c'mon baby light my fire

2011-01-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

so a month or so back...right after my famed back yard renovation, i built myself a fire pit. i'm not kidding. a real stone, tree stump sitting, hot dog roasting, burning wood and making smores fire pit. who doesn't just LOVE that idea? in fact, it's recently come to my attention that in the last few weeks since i made it, that MANY of my friends have become inspired enough to make their very own fire pits in their very own back yards. i'm considering call mr. home depot and mrs. lowes to ask them for a kick back for all the stone i've helped them sell. but to give credit where credit is due...i stole the idea from my friend jason any ways. i digress.

as i perused through my phone last night to weed out pictures (i do that often. once i've tweeted a pic or put it up on facebook i delete it. i figure why should i also store it on my phone? this bothers sharon to no end.) i noticed that i had a ton of fire pit pictures. what is so hypnotizing about watching wood burn? huh? well, whatever it is...if you're trying to call me and i'm not answering...you can probably guess where i am. that's right!

so any how, i figure i'd officially introduce you to my fire pit "betsy".

gotcha! did you really think i'd name my fire pit. c'mon. :-) alright...here are the pics. enjoy! maybe someday soon, you too will get to experience my fire pit up close and personal. but i warn you...dress cool...because it's hot!

if you can't see through your windshield, don't drive!

2011-01-05T07:38:00.001-08:00

perhaps this seems incredibly rudimentary to you but you'd be surprised how many times I've pulled out of my driveway with less then clear vision. sometimes I'm just in a hurry and think..."I can see well enough. who is out this time of morning anyway?"

well, the fact is that if I could see well enough, I wouldn't be making statements like, "I can see well enough" and to the question of who is out this time of morning...how about everyone else that's going to work...just like me. my excuses are lame and the potential consequence is very high.

how many times do we march forward in our lives without a clear vision? maybe it's time we hit the defrost button? food for thought.

enjoy your day...less of me.

resolution

2011-01-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

i don't do well with lists. they don't motivate or inspire me to do ANYTHING. i do however go through periods of motivation and inspiration....perspiration...ALL THE TIME...but you didn't want to know that, did you?

recently my pastor challenged me to write a new song for a particular event at our church. the theme needed to surround the concept of GO. going, looking outward, reaching out to the hurt and the broken. i dig it...i really do....but in church land, there were/are already so many great songs that talk about this. how in the world could i possibly do anything better? i'm not sure that i did...but i rose to the challenge nun the less. you can download FOR FREE a demo of that new song "the greatest gift of all" right here.

but this challenge ignited in me the question...if songwriting is how i express myself, then why don't i write more songs? is it that i don't have anything to say? no. is it that i don't like writing songs anymore? no. is it that my life is absent of experiences? heck no. then what is it?

i could say i'm busy. i could say i'm lazy. but no matter how well i argued, the fact would remain that i can honestly make time for anything that i choose to. example...no matter how late i am getting to work...if sharon leaned over in bed and gave me THAT LOOK (you know what look i'm talking about)...i would make time. can i get an amen?

so that's what i'm doing in 2011. i'm going to write one song every month. and not just write it...but record a demo of it and release it to the world...and all of you. i'm warning you...some of these songs may be really bad. but i really do believe that if i exercise that songwriting muscle, that it will get stronger. and at the end of 2011...maybe i'll have a good song or two...maybe three. we'll see.

i'd really challenge you to take a look at who you are this week and make a choice to use your gift better this year. let's meet up at the end and see how it worked. cool? cool!

have a great day! less of me...

new years day

2011-01-01T01:11:00.000-08:00

it's the beginning of something, and the end of other things....here's a song by audrye sessions. enjoy and have a happy new year!

believe

2010-12-28T06:00:00.000-08:00

a guy i used to know told me once that he loved the word "believe". he said that he loved it because it inspired hope and faith that things were going to be better. i wonder...is this just the power of the mind? or is it something bigger then that? does believing somehow conjure up power that helps propel further what you could not have achieved without believing? there's a famous verse in the bible that says, "The simple truth is that if you had a mere kernel of faith, a poppy seed, say, you would tell this mountain, 'Move!' and it would move. There is nothing you wouldn't be able to tackle." this verse has always bugged me. do you think if you really believed that you could move a mountain? it seems crazy. maybe that's why i haven't moved a mountain lately.

i'd love to hear your thoughts about this.

i hope the holidays are treating you well. take care...

time stands still...part 9

2010-12-24T06:00:00.000-08:00

it was strange to know that we had just had a baby, yet she wasn't with us. at this point, we are kind of used to the deal. delivery, recovery, little baby to stare at in your room. but this time, our baby wasn't with us. she was down the hall. seems like a small thing, but it was weird.

sharon was discharged from the hospital on july 18. i remember driving home to see our big kids that afternoon with a sharp feeling in my gut that we were missing something...rather someone. that same feeling would continue for the next 2 months as we went back and forth to the UCSF every day. jillian was fairly healthy, but still very young and not quite developed enough. we learned early on that the 'ABC's' of the NICU was two steps forward, three steps back...AND if you resisted against that fact or got tied up in knots over it, you'd have a really tough stay. so, sharon and i learned to take it day by day. enjoying our time together on our drives through beautiful marin county, over the golden gate, through the park, down lincoln ave., and up 4th street to parnassus. some days we'd chat. some days we'd just sit and hold each others hand. i made cd's titled 'driving music vol. 1, vol. 2, etc...' to listen to in the car. some of them were upbeat, others were sad. what we listened to would usually depend on how we were doing that particular day. it was really tough...physically and emotionally. but the best part was how each day we got to watch our little bean grow bigger, lose this wire or that machine. less oxygen one day, then out of her 'baby house'...and all along the way, we gained new family members in the nurses and staff and parents of other babies in the NICU. we saw them every day for hours and all there was to do was just talk as we all watched these tiny babies grow and hopefully move towards leaving. the guy in the cafe on the 2nd floor soon recognized us as regulars and knew how we like our sandwiches and our coffee. he'd smile when we walk in. we'd run into doctors we knew in the hallway...they'd ask about the bean and us. it's tough to really put into words how in a time of such great stress that God gave us this new community of people that knew and understood what we were going through each and every day. i don't know how it happened, or when it actually started...but soon we began to feel stronger. strong enough to help other folks that had 'the look' on their first day. i remember one afternoon when we arrived, this new couple had a baby right next to jillian. she was a full term baby, but had some breathing issues. i remember how scared the mom looked. her eyes were red and puffy. i knew that feeling. over the next couple of hours we talked. i remember telling her that everything was going to be just fine. that she and her baby were in just the right place...and the best, smartest doctors were at that hospital. a couple hours later a doctor came in and told them that the test results were back and that everything was fine. they left that night...just after being in for a couple of hours. as we hugged and said goodbye the mom cried happy tears and said 'thank you'. i smiled and said congratulations. there were more moments like that. moments of joy and redemption that helped to begin the process of rebuilding our hearts. we still keep in touch with many of our nurses and some of the other parents. i don't think we'll ever forget them because we shared such an intimate time of our life with them...and they with us.

finally, on september 8th, we drove away from the hospital with our littlest girl. after all that time, it seemed so strange to have her in the car with us. we were like new parents all over again...holding our breath as we listened to every sound she made. i had to snap myself out of it a couple of times, telling myself "c'mon jeramy!!! this is number 5! you can do this...you're a pro!" when we got home, the big kids were so excited! they would just stare at her like we had done for so many hours on so many days. wondering at the miracle that she was. it was such a relief...in that moment. i had my entire family...all my kids under one roof.

and that brings us to the present. we've begun getting back into normal life...or at least normal for us. :-) as a family we spent a couple of months doing nothing in the evenings except having dinner together. putting the big kids to bed every night. listening to their stories and experiences. sharon and i enjoying our favorite shows on tv as we snuggled on the couch. all the things that were so common before, but had been absent from our summer. time just being together as we process all that we've been through as a family. we still stare at jillian. some days i see anne's face as i hold her in my arms...but most of the time i see my bean with her beautiful blue eyes (fingers crossed) staring back at me as she smiles. she has no idea how amazing her life has already been. someday she'll know. we will never forget.

we will never be able to repay or thank enough everyone that has helped us navigate through this journey. we are incredibly grateful for you and the love that you've given so freely to our family in so many ways. we would not have lived through all of this without you and we will never forget that. you are truly our family...we love you.

click here to read the whole story.

a child is born

2010-12-22T06:00:00.000-08:00

Isaiah 9:2-7 (The Message)

The people who walked in darkness
have seen a great light.
For those who lived in a land of deep shadows—
light! sunbursts of light!
You repopulated the nation,
you expanded its joy.
Oh, they're so glad in your presence!
Festival joy!
The joy of a great celebration,
sharing rich gifts and warm greetings.
The abuse of oppressors and cruelty of tyrants—
all their whips and cudgels and curses—
Is gone, done away with, a deliverance
as surprising and sudden as Gideon's old victory over Midian.
The boots of all those invading troops,
along with their shirts soaked with innocent blood,
Will be piled in a heap and burned,
a fire that will burn for days!
For a child has been born—for us!
the gift of a son—for us!
He'll take over
the running of the world.
His names will be: Amazing Counselor,
Strong God,
Eternal Father,
Prince of Wholeness.
His ruling authority will grow,
and there'll be no limits to the wholeness he brings.
He'll rule from the historic David throne
over that promised kingdom.
He'll put that kingdom on a firm footing
and keep it going
With fair dealing and right living,
beginning now and lasting always.
The zeal of God-of-the-Angel-Armies
will do all this.

time stands still...part 8

2010-12-14T06:00:00.000-08:00

it was after 1:00am when i first stepped into the NICU to see jillian. i had left sharon back in her room. she had finally fallen asleep with the aid of some good drugs. i was envious. my eyes were red and puffy and my head was pounding. none of this seemed real...i felt like i was walking and talking, but it was actually all a nightmare that i'd wake from at any moment. when i walked into the NICU there were a group of nurses, residents and medical students standing around jillian's bed. one of them saw me and then suddenly they all turned and watched me walk in. i know why they were looking...i had that look. the look of a man that had just lost a child. it's distinctive. sharon and i learned to recognize it on the faces of other parents that we would get to know in the coming months. i had it...and they saw it. i was beginning to feel self-conscious but in the middle of that hazy, vulnerable state i saw on that table the most beautiful, fragile little girl i had ever seen. she looked just like us...all 2lb. 8oz. of her. she was a sossaman! and all of a sudden, my sadness turned to joy as i met my jillie-bean for the first time. as i stood there holding her hand and talking to her i realized that i was crying. vicky was one of the medical students that had been assigned to jillian's case. as we stood there together staring out my littlest girl, vicky rubbed small circles on my back and asked, "are you ok?"...tears slipped down from my cheek as i replied "no". we stood there for awhile...just vicky, jillian and i as i swam back and forth between the deep and shallow end of a pool of emotion.

i finally walked back to our room and over the next few hours nurses came in every hour or so to check on sharon to make sure she was doing alright. around 3am one of them looked over at me and asked if i had slept yet. with my eyes locked towards the window as i stared at the lights from the city i responded, "no". she came around the bed in front of my little chair and told me that i should sleep. i remember being caught off guard by her demand, but i didn't argue. i just stood up and she helped me unfold the little chair where i had been melting into a small single wide bed. she got me a pillow and some blankets and walked out.

i slept. passed out actually...partly from exhaustion i think, but mostly because i longed to be someplace else. away from that place. out of that moment. rid of the memory of what we had just lived through. i was angry and i felt empty. i remember the next morning i told sharon how i felt as i cried silent tears. she reached her hand over and grabbed mine and we sat there silent.

over the last few days in the hospital i had been sending text updates to our family and friends about what was going on. we're lucky to have too many people that love us for me to have called each one of them every time something new was happening, so texts became much more efficient. i had written a text late the night anne died telling everyone what had happened. now, in the light of day, i was scared that somehow through the convenience of technology that our big kids at home would some how hear about their sister's death from someone other then us. it was still early, but i called our dear friends kimmi and her mom eva who had been staying with our big ones and asked if they could bring them to the hospital.

sometime around mid day my phone buzzed with a text saying that kimmi, eva and the kids were at the hospital. i remember being so excited to see them. it had been almost a week since we went in the hospital...and i've got to tell you...as i walked towards the little waiting room at the end of the hall on the 15th floor and saw the backs of my girls as they stared out the window down to the street and brady sitting next to them in his trademark indy hat, i cried. in a split second i felt grateful and happy and full again...my soul needed that.

when anne died, we got "the death kit". they didn't call it that...but that's what it seemed like. it was a little box that had pamphlets and flyers and business cards for all the people and services that UCSF offered as help or comfort families in our situation. i remember thinking that if we didn't have our faith in God, our friends and family...if we were alone in all of this...that i would have been very grateful for all of that stuff. one of the pamphlets talked about what kids know about death and how they process in each developmental stage. as i read through it, i kept seeing statements in the "what not to say" column that would have been the exact thing to come out of my mouth. in a nut shell, it seemed that the best thing to do was to just be simple and clear. just say the word dead. don't say gone or sleeping or God wanted them more or anything like that. so that's what we did...and just like the book said, each kid responded differently. some cried, others just sat quiet. but the thing that we kept saying was that we loved them all and that they could choose talk about anne or not if they wanted. that either response was fine. we told them not to feel guilty when they had good fun days because it was normal and what they were supposed to do.

i'd never prepared for that situation. i never thought i'd have to explain to my kids that their sister was dead. they will never be the same. time stood still...

click here to read the whole story.

beware of the doghouse...you don't want to go there!

2010-12-13T06:00:00.000-08:00

take heed men! do whatever you can to avoid this on christmas!

a little christmas cheer!

2010-12-10T07:44:00.001-08:00

this is out of control. there's no going back now. check out this amazing medley of unique christmas music that my friend derrick sent to me. dig it!

does my life matter?

2010-12-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

do you ever hear something like that and you either completely dismiss it or it totally rocks you to your core?

does my life matter?

i'm 33 years old and i've been to enough funerals to know that not everyone was well liked, well loved, respected...or invested in other people enough to be even considered when they died. and that sad fact always makes me wonder about me...

have i loved?
have i invested?
have i left a legacy to the next generation?
have i spent my life doing and pursuing things that really matter?

i mean...is life really just about being born, growing up and learning how to be an adult, going to work, having a family and then dieing...really? or are we here to do more then that?

i was listening to a talk from francis chan on my way to work this morning. francis is a communicator that has risen to the very top of his field. he started and led a very successful organization in an affluent area of southern california for the last 15 years...and he just resigned, sold his house and he and his family (wife and 4 kids) are moving to asia. he doesn't have a new job to go to...he just had a sense that he was supposed to go...and so he went...with a focus and intent to be and help and serve wherever and whatever is needed.

that made me wonder about me. could i sell my house, my car, all my things...pack up sharon and my 5 kids and just go? leave my life, my friends, my whole world? i feel as if i couldn't because i'm bound by my own creation. i feel like my life is spent sustaining the overabundant lifestyle that i created. and then, my next thought is, if my life is spent sustaining what i've created...is that really going to matter once i'm gone? will people show up to my funeral and say, "boy, that jeramy sossaman...he really did live a fantastic life! he lived his days out working to make sure he always had enough. truly an inspiration!"

is that what they'll say?

i'm going to try an unpack what this means for me and my family. it's scary...but it matters. have a great day.

less of me...

good times...hello

2010-12-05T22:08:00.001-08:00

searching for forgivness and finding a father

2010-11-30T06:00:00.000-08:00

alden was my camp counselor in summer camp. i went to mt. gilead every year from 4th grade until i was a senior in high school. it was a long time ago, but i'll never forget the day my best pal mark and i walked into our cabin and met alden. 'big al', we called him...or maybe he said we could call him that...i don't really remember. that was almost 20 years ago, and alden and I are still friends. that first summer was magical...almost like our very own version of "stand by me". alden instilled in us a passion for mt.dew, vans, skateboarding, bmx, and we all thought he was the coolest guy ever!

as years have gone by, our relationship turned from 'camper/counselor' to friends. the age difference seemed to matter less as we got older and a couple times a year i'd get a call from alden, just to see how things were going. i remember he had a bmx bicycle company at one point....homestead bicycles. then i remember him calling me one day to tell me he had been writing some songs and was really getting into music. then years passed...i got married, had some babies...a blur of history in my mind. the next time i spoke with alden he was talking a lot about writing and filming. short films actually. one of them was quite a dill. he had started with still photography years back, but now he seemed to be on the movie making journey. i always admired his ability to follow his dreams. to just go for it. i know that it's tough for me to see all of the sacrifices from the other side of the glass, and i'm smart enough to know that he had many to make, but i still always thought how cool it would be to just pick up and go. to grab your dream and run. alden does that.

a couple weeks ago alden called. he was on I-80 heading past our town and thought of me. that's usually how it works. he'll call as he's driving through town. it always makes me wonder if he can stay on the phone his whole trip...ringing all his old friends every time he drives past. he asked how our family was doing and i brought him up to speed on our year as quickly as i could. it was like cramming an elephant into a bikini...not pretty. then he told me about his dad. HIS DAD? i remember thinking as he was talking...."i don't know anything about his dad"??? alden had always talked about his mom...his brother...but never his dad. he told me a story about how his dad left them when he was young. he went through a pretty typical response pattern i would imagine...confused, hurt, angry. i would suspect that after awhile you just get tired of carrying all of that so you become ambivalent to the situation. he told me how he knew when he started making films that he would have to tell the story of his life, and more specifically his dad's role or lack there of.

alden recently found out that his dad was very sick and lived out in the wilderness all alone. after leaving his family, alden's dad dedicated his life for 40 years to the conservation and education of our natural resources...the forests, the land, the earth. alden new that he needed to find his dad and take care of him. this shocked me! why on earth would he feel compassion towards the man that had abandoned him and his family?

after he found his dad, alden ended up spending months with him...making all of his meals, taking him to the doctors appointments...getting to know him. who he was. finding out that he had been an inspiration to so many people. that he had impacted countless others with a love for the earth and all it's beauty. alden told me in one moment when his dad was telling about his life of conservation and alden reminded him that after all he had given to the earth, that now in his time of need...he was alone with no one to take care of him. and honestly, i think that was the answer to my question of why. why would alden feel compassion to the man that chose to leave...because now, he had no one except his son. and i believe in that moment that alden not only found forgiveness for that man, but he also found a father.

it was an incredibly profound 20 minutes we spent on the phone. alden was on his way back home to LA when we spoke, positive now that he had to make a movie about his dad. and once again, he's doing it....taking his dreams and running. here's the trailers...keep an eye out for it at the independent film festivals. enjoy!

fear the beard

2010-11-29T21:08:00.001-08:00

looks good, right?

you never know who's going to help

2010-11-23T06:00:00.000-08:00

i hated my back yard. it was small...muddy when it rained...smelly from dog poop...it was horrible! in fact...about a year ago, i pretty much stopped barbecuing because i despised being in my back yard so much. i finally decided that moving my man grill out to the front porch was a solid solution...temporary, but solid.

any how, cleaning up the bain of my existence has been firmly on my radar for awhile...and not just so i could have more space on my front porch again, but to also have a fun place for my kids to play and a easy path for sharon to get to our driveway from our back door...and a non-mud area for the dogs to run. sooo....a couple weekends back, i finally did it!

sharon and i had been talking for awhile about grass....then a deck....then cement...and most recently stone pavers. all of which were brilliant ideas that just never seemed to happen for one reason or another. so, when the first rain of the year came....uh around the middle of october (laughable) and sharon was dealing with an infant, 4 big kids and 2 dogs...she asked...heck, she begged me to please do something! it was in that moment that i thought "hey....how about bark? how about black bark???" sharon sensed my weakened state and pounced on it!

so, in one full saturday i turned my dirt/mud/poop/weed/dead vine/nastiness filled back yard, into a low maintenance mecca that was sure to provide hours of fun for the kiddos. heck, i even dusted off an old play house that had completely skipped our youngest three kids! but the biggest surprise didn't come from the kids faces when they saw the finished product. nor, did it come from sharon when she was able to walk directly to the car instead of all the way around the house. the biggest surprise came when i received some unexpected help from an expected source. let me rewind a bit...

earlier in the day, i had gone over to my friend chad's house to borrow his wheel barrow for the job. while i was there loading it up, chad's wife michela asked me if i needed any shovels to which i replied "no thank you." i had a shovel already, and i was the only one working...so i certainly didn't need two shovels! but michela wouldn't take no for an answer. as she handed me the 2nd shovel, she looked at me and said..."you should take this....you never know who's going to help". i laughed to myself, hopped in the truck and drove home to my pile of bark.

when i got home, i unloaded the wheel barrow, leaned the 2nd shovel up against my fence and started shoveling, and hauling, hauling and shoveling. it wasn't hard....but i was getting tired and starting to wonder if i was going to be able to finish the job in one day. then, out of nowhere, my neighbor pulled up in his truck. now, i say my neighbor because he lives in my neighborhood...and because i didn't know his name. you know what i mean? he was the guy that you'd give the "weighbor nave" to as we pulled in and out of our respective driveways...but that was all. you get the idea. well, he pulled in to his driveway and walked over to observe the huge pile of black bark in my driveway. "you're doing a project huh?" "...uh....yeah" i replied (shoveling) "do you need any help?" he asked. "no, not really....i'm just shoveling. it's not hard." i responded....to which he said "huh" and picked up that 2nd shovel that i had leaned against the fence.

over the next 2 hours, i discovered that my neighbor's name was fong. he had 13 kids! wowzers! and was an out of work book keeper. we talked about kids and school and politics while we shoveled and hauled and hauled and shoveled. the time literally flew by. when we were all done, i thanked fong for all his help. he smiled humbly and said "no problem." we shook hands and he walked home.

what an amazing feeling of satisfaction! in one day, i had transformed my wretch of a back yard into a useful, fun spot for our whole family...and all it really took was a little bit elbow grease. but as i stood i my back porch, staring at our new yard, i realized that i had gained something greater than a clean back yard that day. i had made a new friend that i had completely overlooked for years. it was a wonderful reminder to keep my eyes open all the time for new opportunities to make new connections. i was grateful, and thankful. i returned the 2nd shovel, but kept the lesson.

holy saturday morning breakfast, batman!!!

2010-11-20T11:32:00.001-08:00

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend!!!

how to pull out a tooth with a rocket...a fathers dream, a mothers nightmare

2010-11-19T06:00:00.000-08:00

time stands still...part 7

2010-11-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

hospitals are funny. they say things like "rush you into surgery" or "emergency c-section" and that really doesn't mean what you think. it was still hours of preparation before they moved sharon and i into the operating room. there was a definite change in the demeanor of our nurses though. every one started moving faster, talking faster, putting on different outfits. i even got one...my very own bunny suit, complete with boots and a hat. i sooo wish i had a picture to show you. actually, i'm glad i don't. those things are not designed for fashion...i'm just saying.

once everyone was ready in the OR, they took sharon. i kissed her goodbye and told her that i loved her. our nurse told me she'd be back for me in a minute. it was about 12 minutes actually...but it seemed like hours. it's a strange thing, being faced with the cold reality that sickness or death doesn't care much about who we are. it has no feeling or remorse. it just acts, without prejudice or even bothering to hear our appeal. as i realized that truth in that empty room in my bunny suit, i was more afraid then i've ever been. but i knew (know) that God loved us and had our best interests at heart and that He was big enough to handle all of this. i knew in that moment and i kept repeating it to myself. i was glad, because i was not. not big enough. not strong enough. i was at the end of me. but in that emptiness of self there was hope. hope for sharon, hope for anne and jillian...and me.

i don't know what i expected an operating room to look like...but it was nothing like i imagined. it was really less about the room and more about the people and equipment in the room. it was plain, and white and extremely bright. they positioned me on a chair right behind a blue curtain up by sharon's head, which was already quite foggy from the anesthesia. she was awake, but funny. i held her hand and looked around. as i saw all of the familiar eyes smile at me behind their blue masks i knew that this room of strangers that we had grown to love over the last week were determined to do everything in their power to help us. there were two clocks on the wall behind me. one read the time and the other the length of the surgery. i watched sharon's surgeon, nena's eyes the whole time. she would cut and pull and watch and look at the clock(s). her instructions were clear but very calm. very in control. it was amazing! days later, she and i talked about how impressive it was for me to see her work. she is truly a wonderful doctor.

jillian came out first. nena grabbed her quickly and handed her off to the team of doctors waiting on the other side of the little window in the operating room. we heard her cry as they carried her. (smile). anne was next. she was beautiful! it's amazing...even knowing that they were identical twins i was still so stunned by their identicalness. i mean...they looked exactly alike! it was truly amazing. anne had her own team of doctors waiting on the other side of the little window. as soon as the babies were whisked away, the doctors re-focused their attention back to sharon. they began counting every tool, every sponge, every bandage. making sure that nothing was left someplace it shouldn't be. good thing i guess? after about 10 minutes and a couple of stitching attempts, one of the doctors said that there was a lot of blood on the floor. (silence). calmly nena asked where it was coming from and attempted another stitch after two quick glances at the clock(s). sharon had begun to complain of pain, which in anesthesia speak isn't good. then i heard "let's have dad step out now". before my brain had a chance to catch up, one of the nurses escorted me back to our room and said one of the doctors would be out to talk with me very soon.

my brain began to catch up. (panic)

i started breathing heavy and thought that i should sit down. as i sat staring at the door and the nurses station in the background i saw one of the doc's run out from the OR that sharon was in and asked hurriedly "where's the hysterectomy kit?" this couldn't be happening. it wasn't happening. my head was spinning. i turned my chair around and stared out the window at the sutro tower looming high on the hill above the hospital. time stood still. i have no idea how long i sat there. after what seemed like hours, one of the doctors came in the room and told me that sharon was fine. they found the bleeding and stopped it. they were just finishing up and i could see her soon. (breathe)

one of the nurses came and told me that we were going to be moving to the other side of the hall where the recovery rooms were and if i wanted to start moving our stuff she could show me our new room. i was vacant, but grateful to have a task. as i was walking back and forth between the rooms, still in a daze, concerned for sharon and the girls, tim, the head neonatalogist stopped me in the hallway. what he told me caught me off guard. even knowing all of the potential outcome for weeks...i was still unprepared as he spoke. 4 months and 4 days later it still doesn't seem real. tim spoke softly and told me that jillian had responded to the resuscitation well and was on her way into the NICU but that anne was not responding. he said that he needed to go back to her team and see if there was any change. tim knew that sharon and i wanted to do everything possible to save anne. he looked at me with compassion in his eyes and said, "jeramy...if there's no change...we can keep doing what we're doing all night, but it's not going to make a difference." my heart sank. after a few minutes tim came back and told me that there was no change in anne's response and that they had done everything they could do. anne was still breathing, but it wouldn't be very long. (silence). he asked me if i wanted to see her. as the door opened there were 4 people standing around this little table. each person with their own task and at the center was my little girl. she was so small. just over 2 lbs. they had this little mask over her mouth to help her lungs fill with air. i remember putting my finger in her hand. it was so small. this couldn't be happening. i'm not sure how long i stood there...at some point tim said that sharon was in the recovery room and i could go see her and that they would bring anne in too. as soon as i saw sharon she mouthed the words "is she ok?". i couldn't speak, but i didn't need to. sharon could see it on my face. tim and his team brought anne in the room on her little bed. that was the moment i fell. i was broken and helpless and empty.

a couple days earlier, sharon had reached out to our dear friend matt and told him that there was a very real possibility that the girls were going to have to be delivered soon and that we might not have much time with anne. sharon asked matt if he would consider taking pictures of anne after she was born. he said he would. i called him right as sharon went into surgery...not sure if he would even be able to make it on such short notice. as i stood there in the recovery room with sharon and our precious little anne, matt arrived. i'm not sure how he did it, but for the next 30 minutes matt captured so many beautiful images of our little girl. because of him we will always be able to remember her face. we will never be able to repay you matt. we are so grateful for these memories...thank you so much. here are some of the images.

over the next several hours we stayed in that room, holding our little girl. it was magical. sharon said that it was a holy moment that we had with anne and i believe that was true. in the midst of the greatest heart break we have ever been through, we felt so incredibly lucky that God had given us the time that He did with anne. we could have had nothing, but we had 3 wonderful hours. hours that we could store away and hide in our hearts forever. as i stood at the window watching the sun set on the city, my view stretched all the way past the golden gate bridge all the way up through marin. i rocked anne and whispered to her that i loved her and that it was ok...that she could go. for those few hours sharon and i got to be her mom and dad and we will never forget it. sometime just before 10:00pm, the doctor came in and listened to anne's little heart with his tiny stethoscope and confirmed that our baby, anne marie sossaman, was dead. time stood still.

click here to read the whole story.

time stands still...part 6

2010-11-17T06:00:00.000-08:00

it was july 9. another friday appointment at UCSF. at this point we could look back at a significant journey for this pregnancy AND look forward to our two precious gifts that were waiting at the other end. we were right in the middle of it all.

we had gotten in a routine of our new short term reality. we had grown to enjoy our time together driving in and out of the city. but today was different. as we were wrapping up our appointment, one of sharon's doctors said that some of her vital fluids were a bit off. they wanted to run a couple more tests which in hospital speak (even on the fast train) means a couple more hours. we sat and waited...and waited...and when sharon's doctor came back she told us something that we did not expect. they were concerned about a few things with sharon and wanted to keep her at the hospital for observation.

you know when you try and open too many applications at once and your computer gives you the little spinning hourglass thing or the (apple users) spinning rainbow circle....well, that was my brain in that moment. i couldn't leave sharon alone....but who would take care of our kids? how long would we have to stay? what are the docs looking for? how would we get everything covered? can i say overwhelmed? yes, i can.

so, we walked across the street...through the lobby, made a left down the hall, then a right down the long hall and then into the elevators...all the way up to 15 and into labor and delivery. it's funny as i write that i can see the tile in the hallway. one of the nurses got us into a room and sharon got into "the gown"...you know the one...and hopped...err....slid into the bed.

in the following hours we discovered that the doctors were concerned because sharon was showing some signs of pre-eclampsia. basically, they were starting to think that sharon's body was responding...almost mirroring the symptoms of anne. sharon's body wasn't processing nutrients correctly which isn't good even if you aren't pregnant. she was still fighting, but in reality...sharon was very sick...and getting worse.

the next several days were a blur. our doctors wanted to make sure that the anne and jillian were doing fine, so they had sharon on 24 hour monitoring and blood draw about every 4 hours which is more uncomfortable than it looks in this one sentence. but you'll have to take my word for it. the doctors were starting to realize that even though it was incredibly rare, the TTTS that sharon had the laser surgery for back at the end of may, was beginning to come back. jillian's amniotic sac was growing larger and anne's was shrinking...the main diagnostic factor for TTTS. and so began the balancing act. the twins were only 28 weeks. way to early to say for sure that they would both survive delivery...especially anne, given the hydrops in her little body. so the goal was to keep them inside, growing as long as possible, but now the potential pre-eclampsia and more specifically the hellp syndrome that the doctors believed sharon was developing was putting her at risk more every day. the only way to stop the pre-eclampsia or hellp syndrome was by getting the babies out...but if they babies were delivered they might not live because they weren't developed enough. we sat on the edge of that reality for 5 days. twice the doctors were going to rush sharon into the OR for a c-section and then stopped at the last minute. sharon was getting worse. the TTTS was intensifying for the girls. the doctors were doing everything they could to help mature anne and jillian in the womb so they'd at least have a chance at life outside of it, all the while not risking sharon's life, but finally on july 13 everyone realized that the time had come.

i remember that morning we did another fetal echo and dr. rand came in to review the findings. if you remember, he was the doctor we met our very first day at UCSF. it seemed like we had known him for so long. so many hours together. crying. explaining. trying to understand. but through it all, i knew that he actually cared about us and our little girls. all of those moments in the past month and a half were flashing in my mind as he stood in that little room with sharon and i. he held sharon's hand and told her that it was time. that she had done all she could for our girls. more then anyone could expect. he told us that we had reached the point that we couldn't wait any longer. that the risk to sharon and the twins had become too great to not intervene. we had to deliver the girls. he was calm and kind but we all knew the potential risk in that statement. deep breathe.

they brought us back up to the 15th floor and began prepping sharon for surgery.

click here to read the whole story.

SF GIANTS win the world series!

2010-11-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

many of you don't realize that underneath my finely tuned physique is the body of a baseball player.....no really! :-) actually i did play ball for about 10 years when i was a kid. t-ball through babe-ruth, which in our town was right before high school ball. i played first base and will clark was my hero. it was back in those humble beginnings that i (like so many other kids) would dream of playing in the big leagues. dream of taking the field to the cheers of thousands. hitting the game winning home run. making the big play to end the game. i still get nostalgic when i think about it.

last night as i watched the giants win their first world series title since 1954, i have to admit, i got a little choked up. and even though will clark spends his days now working for the giants in a suit instead of a jersey, this incredible accomplishment still brings me back to the smell of dirt and grass and leather and the feel of the bat right after you made contact with the ball. it's amazing!

so to the 40 players, 7 coaches and countless other staff in the front office at willie mays plaza i say a huge congratulations from this giants fan. soak it in. see you next season.

"that's what i said!!!!"

2010-10-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

hey everybody...
wow, i'm such a bad blogger this week! right? i'm so sorry...i get on such a roll at time and then POOF! gone. nothing. i'm sure my blogging inconsistencies are why i'll never ever reach perez hilton or merakoh status...seriously!

i wanted to talk about communication today. it seems that communication is some how become the axis on which our world spins. not just the obvious garble of gadgets, iphones, ipads, blackberry's, OG email, texting, facebook, twitter (i do have a love affair with twitter AND i'm constantly looking for that next great twitter app for my iphone) and the like...but also, our society is so incredibly focused on the art of communication. making sure everyone understands and no ones feelings are hurt. we value good communication in a major way.

now, i like to fancy myself as a good communicator. some may disagree, but this is my blog and i say, i'm a good communicator. GOT IT! :-) in my regular day, i'm juggling multiple projects between multiple businesses all the time. i NEED a vacation...can i get an amen! because of all of this entrepreneurial plate spinning, you can imagine that i need to be pretty good at clearly expressing thoughts an ideas so that can move from my brain and out into the space of "getitdonenowium". but sometimes...people...err....uh...well, even i can be short sided in my communication. maybe i'm just imagining that you can hear the dialog that's going on in my head...and then i just fill in the blanks with my words. that's clear, right?

recently, i read an email from a friend sent only to me...no copy list or anything. he was replying to me about some changes that he thought needed to be made in our organization and was expressing his passion behind the "why" of us making these changes. like most self centered people (did i just say that out loud?), i read his email through the lens of memememememememe. i assumed the ideas he was expressing were for my specific department. seems logical, right? but as i dug a little deeper, i found out when i asked him a few questions that he was actually speaking much more broad expressing his thoughts for our entire organization, not just my department, which meant that not all of the message applied directly to me. now, this may seem like no big deal, but if you are suggesting that someone reevaluate the way a colleague does their job...it might make some solid sense to qualify which parts of your message are specific....and which parts are, shall we say conceptual.

so my point in all of this is...in our fast paced world of get it done now...when communicating...there's no substitute for slowing down a bit and making sure people understand exactly what you're meaning...not just what you're saying. get it? cool!

have a great weekend!

less of me...

time stands still...part 5

2010-10-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

over the next couple of weeks, each time we went to our appointment (mostly on friday) at the fetal treatment center, it seemed as though we were on this great roller coaster. one week, we would be sitting with excitement as our hope rose (clickety clack, clickety clack) up to the top. the next week we were plummeting to the depths at break neck speed. if you've spent any time in a hospital you know what i mean. medicine isn't exact. it requires trial and error...and more trial and sometimes, still more error. and even after that, sometimes you're just left with the fact that man cannot always know everything there is to know about the human body and why it chooses to act the way it does. this is where we were with the girls.

before sharon's laser surgery, when the girls were diagnosed with twin to twin transfusion syndrome; one of the many scary elements was that because anne was acting as the donor and giving all her nutrients to jillian (the recipient), this caused a shared blood pressure between the two of them. now, imagine if you or i suddenly had an extreme drop in blood pressure...many adverse reactions could occur. stroke. loss of oxygen to the brain. potential brain damage. well, because the girls were not only receiving blood from sharon as nutrients, but also sharing blood between each other (because of the TTTS), the blood pressure of one was affected by the other. in the moment of sharon's laser surgery when they cut the blood vessels between the girls to stop the TTTS, the docs believed that the sudden change in blood pressure between the two of them caused anne's body to react as though an injury had occurred, which caused the hydrops in her body. in the act of saving both of them, there was potential now that we might lose one of them. this had been a risk that the docs explained from the beginning, but honestly i didn't believe it would happen.

as we watched the hydrops each week in the sonogram we began to see with our non-medical school eyes the difference between anne's heart beat and jillian's. jillian moved constantly (much to the dismay of the sonogram tech) and anne was less active. anne's heart was growing and developing in a puddle of water located in her chest. but still, each week they both continued to grow equally, which was always a glimmer of hope for me. in the midst of all of this, our little girls were fighting to beat this thing so they could come and meet us. and though the harsh reality stared us in the face via that little computer screen in that small dark room every week...we still looked forward to the time we got to see our girls together. imagining how they were going to look. dressing them up in matching outfits. carrying around their matching car seats. imagining how we'd smile when we'd get those looks in public as people would ask "are all of these kids yours?" and how proud we'd be when we responded "yes! every one of them." every week we were getting to know and love our little girls more.

it was on one of those friday appointments in july when things changed. circumstances shifted suddenly and now our concern didn't lie soley on the two precious little lives growing inside of sharon, but on sharon's life now as well...time stood still.

click here to read the whole story.

keep on the sunny side

2010-10-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

yesterday, we had a fantastic day celebrating the fall and our family at a local pumpkin patch in suisun valley. we had a great time! i'm talking corn maze, hay bail castle, pumkpins...the whole gamete.

sharon took some pictures and video and put together this slide show to help lock the day in our memory banks. isn't she great! if you're interested in getting a video like this for your family, click here and go to the contact page to let us know. i hope you enjoy it! take care.

All images are copyrighted by Homegrown Photography.
Music "Keep on the Sunny Side" by Elizabeth Mitchell

i'm too sexy for my shirt...

2010-10-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

...too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts! :-) what does that song bring to mind? right said fred? really bad pop songs from the early 90's? planet hollywood?...do you remember you couldn't walk in the door of the SF location without hearing that song? crazy! well, believe it or not, i'm not referring to any of those things. modeling. that's the topic for the day.

a week ago, sharon and our littlest girl jillie-bean got the opportunity to be models for our dear friends and fabulous photographers, mera and brian. they were in town for the san francisco stop of their wildly popular confidence workshop. these two travel all over the country teaching women about photography by encouraging growth personally and artistically. sharon has been to their workshop twice (here and here) and it has truly changed her life. mine too, actually. we love them! you can see mera's post about the san francisco workshop here...part 1 and part 2.

it was a treat to be on the other side of the camera this time. to observe the teaching and the artistic awakening of these women. my idea was to be a fly on the wall...or a chair while the workshop attendees snapped pictures of my bride and our girl...

but after a few minutes, i just couldn't help it. the bean is so cute and i had to get some shots of my own. sharon kept reminding me to stay out of the attendees shot. "they paid to be here!!!" she kept saying. :-) here are some of my shots.

this one is my favorite. isn't sharon absolutely beautiful! i know that i think so, but everyone kept telling her during the shoot too. the thing is...she's just as gorgeous on the inside. i love this girl....look at her smile. :-)

it was a great day. great to see our friends and great to get awesome images of our girl. it's been so fun watching the images surface from the ladies at the workshop. we love seeing them. thank you all so much!

so, i leave you with this shot. this is my buddy brian...mera's secret weapon. he's fantastic and we get along so well. it's always a good time when we get to hang out. he's a really great dancer too...click here to see. you're welcome buddy. :-)

crash

2010-10-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

i never expected what would have happened when, by chance, we connected in such an amazing way that it made me question all my seemingly mundane motions that i go through each and every day. that in a split second i could go from joy to pain to sorry and strain and fear and frustration all resting inside that space between my shoulders, right below my head.

you? me? how can it be that we lived our whole lives without seeing each other until now...and quite frankly, i would've preferred to have kept it that way, but no! this fantastically powerful meshing of what was once so strong but now, is broken.

here we are and now i can't erase the truth that i have NO IDEA how we came together. none! but i do know for sure that you'll be gone someday...soon (i hope). never to be seen again (i pray), but what will remain (unfortunately) will be the questioning and confusion, consequences and debt for my part of our coincidental coming together. how can you have made such a mark? crash!

keep it clean

2010-10-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

it had been a great day. i got off early from work and took the whole family to san francisco to meet up with some dear friends for an afternoon of fun and re-connection. we took our big circus tent full of children down to crissy field armed with the the mary poppins carpet bag of outdoor games and boy did they put them to good use. the adults all sat and chatted in the warm afternoon light snacking on fruits and cheese and chocolate. it was truly a magical afternoon.

when the sun went down, we packed up and headed to our favorite restaurant, park chow. boy, do we love this place. we developed our affinity during our 3 month residency with jillie-bean at UCSF. it's warm and friendly. inviting to anyone who dare walk through the curtains out front. oh...and the food is amazing! we ate, we laughed, we danced...ok, we didn't dance. but we had a great time! everyone did. it was the kind of night that no one wanted to end. but as all good things do...

here's where things got interesting. i had all the boys (dads and kids) in my car and sharon had all the girls (moms and kids) in her car. before we left the restaurant i had gotten the lecture...uh, i mean reminder about "driving like someone was following me" as i left the city for oakland to take our friends back to their hotel. so, i drove slow. well, at least as slow as you can drive in san francisco. there is certain prerequisite for "assertive driving" when turning the keys of your ignition within the city limits. that being said, i kept watching my review for my beloved wife and her party while i navigated the great concrete jungle...safely...at night...with two boys making light saber noises as loud as they could in their own virtual backseat battle. as i approached the final intersection before we entered the freeway i realized (too late it turns out) that the light was yellow as i entered the intersection. i immediately looked behind me only to see sharon's car way to far back to make the light.

dang!

we picked up the phone and called. "hey, sorry...uh...yeah, just make sure and take the bay bridge exit on the freeway...ok?....cool....heehee....(nervous)...uh, ok. love you." i'm sure you can get the picture. for the next 10 minutes across the bridge i drove critically slow. i'm talking far right lane, passing cars honking at me, the whole bit, just so i could guarantee sharon catching up with me. no such luck. the next thing i know, we were taking the exit for oakland and i knew...i mean, i knew that sharon wouldn't know to take it. we called again, but it was too late. they were already headed off into dark, scary, "let's grab our gat and kevlar vest and stand on a corner to capture some moms and their kids in a surburbia suv" downtown oakland. the next call and subsequent calls as we located and rescued our lovely wives weren't nearly as cheery. i knew i was in trouble when we found them parked at a gas station and i pulled up next to them. i smiled charmingly and said, "are you guys ready to follow us? (yeah, i said that) the response from the car was "are you ready to drive slower?" uh...yeah. yes! i was ready to drive slower. and i did, all the way back to the hotel.

when we arrived back to the hotel we all smiled and hugged. i profusely apologized to both our wives taking all the blame on myself. all the while reminding them of what a fun evening we had up until the last 25 minutes. :-) any how, the point of this story was that the best thing i could have done in that moment was fall on the sword. don't argue. don't justify. just apologize. here are some words that most men could benefit from when facing similar experiences. "i'm sorry...i know i was wrong". that's it! use them...it will save you in the future. don't drag things out or hold on to your rightness...apologize and keep things clean. your relationship with thank me.

less of me...

you've got to have a "go to"

2010-10-12T18:57:00.001-07:00

everybody needs a place where they love to go. right? for my kids its red robin. they love everything about it. the food. the music. the chicken...uh...I mean, "robin". I find it amusing that they always ask if you want your burger with "pink" or "no pink" and yet still manage to cook it exactly the same way no matter what. but what do I know, right? it's for the kids. :-)

enjoy the pic! have a great day!

time stands still...part 4

2010-10-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

i left this story back at the end of may...the beginning of what would be come the most impacting 3 months of our lives.

after sharon's surgery, our doc's at the fetal treatment center began booking regular appointments for us at UCSF. every other week at least. i remember thinking, "how in the world are we going to get to san francisco once a week for what ends up being half a day? how are we going to find child care? how am i going to get out of work so i can be with sharon?" so many questions. it's funny, as i look back those concerns seem very small. we became quiet close to our fetal treatment docs. almost every appointment we would go get an ultrasound downstairs, then across the street for a fetal echo, then back across the street for our docs to review the tests...then home. the very first appointment after sharon's surgery was amazing! dr. rand was there and told us that he is pessimistic by nature, but thought sharon's surgery was a huge success and had every reason to believe that anne and jillian would be fine. you can't imagine how that felt to hear those words. hearing and dealing with the possibility that one of your children may die is something that i can't explain. it's mind numbing. out of body. even now, almost 4 months later, i don't know that i've fully dealt with the emotion of it. it was in this moment that the real roller coaster began.

the following appointment, we met with a new doc, dr. shaffer. like all the staff in fetal treatment, he was amazing. even though we had never met dr. shaffer, i was completely impressed that he recognized us by sight and new everything about our case. that put our minds at ease. after our standard ultrasound and fetal echo he called us into the conference room to go over the results. i knew it was bad when he pulled the box of tissue onto the table. for the next 30 minutes he told us how anne (the former donor in the TTTS) had hydrops. what's that? hydrops simply means fluid inside the body or organs. the scary part is that the presence of hydrops typically means that there is some type of injury inside the body that is trying to heal itself from. the problem was that they didn't know what type of injury or where or how bad it was.

my head was spinning. sharon was crying. then dr. hirose (sharon's surgeon from the laser procedure) walked in. he is one of the kindest doctors i've ever met. we smiled. a familiar face is always good in bad moments...but why was he there too? what was going on? dr. shaffer quickly recapped what he had just explained. dr. hirose looked solum...nodding his head in defeated agreement. then he looked up at sharon and i and said..."guys...i'm so sorry."

WHAT!!!!!

what does that mean, "i'm so sorry"? this isn't happening...that's what i kept thinking...this isn't happening. both the docs continued to tell us how hydropic babies rarely survive after they're born. this can't be happening. they both kept saying "i'm so sorry" with there heads down. we couldn't believe it.

after our meeting, sharon and i stopped and sat on a bench outside the office. we just sat there, stunned. i remember sharon saying "we've got to fight for her! we've got to fight for her!!!" (crying)...of course. of course we will. i couldn't believe this was happening. then we saw dr. hirose step out of the office, on his way back to the hospital across the street. he saw us there and came and sat down with us. we cried. he consoled. we told him that we didn't want to give up on anne. we wanted him to fight for her! he promised us that he would. then we got in the car and went home.

i don't think we spoke the whole way home. we stopped in marin at our friend laura's. we cried more...in disbelief that we were in this place. how does this happen? what had we done? what were we going to do? how would we get through this? time stood still.

click here to read the whole story.

how do they do that?

2010-10-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

i love google maps! actually i love google period! they are a part of so many neat innovations that i use every day. have you ever wondered how they get the street views on the maps page? maybe you already knew this...but i saw one on the road today. pretty neat huh?

ok...that's all. nothing earth shattering. i hope you are well. also, if you haven't yet, and you can...go get a copy of pages. it's for a good cause. thanks!

less of me...

pages for justice

2010-09-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

my good friend joseph and his wife tosha are releasing this new record tomorrow. 100%...that's right....100 PERCENT of all the proceeds from the record sales will go to organizations that are actively rescuing women from the sex trade industry. please get behind this urgent cause. buy this record and make a real difference in our world! you can find out more info at pagesforjustice.com or download right now on itunes!

10 minutes

2010-09-25T13:48:00.001-07:00

sometimes you just need 10 minutes to get away. just 10 minutes to get some peace and quiet and clarity. when you take your 10 minutes, make sure and find a nice place to hang out...and maybe a nice person to hang out with. it makes all the difference.

surf report: 38th

2010-09-22T13:20:00.000-07:00

yahoo! i went surfing today. i haven't been since april 1. can you believe that? over 5 months with no surf....well, it's understandable really. we've had quite a lot going on in the last few months.

any how. today was beautiful! our usual spot at cowell's in santa cruz had no surf so we drove over to 38th...the break is right in front of jack's house. no joke! i got a couple of good waves. one in particular was probably the fastest wave i've ever been on....i didn't totally catch it on purpose, but...i caught it non the less. :-) i could really tell that i hadn't been in a long time. i was totally out of breath and sore from paddling....but it was still great to be out there. i'm hoping this will be the beginning of getting back into the swing of a more regular surf schedule. all in all....a great day!

something i think you'll be interested in...one of my surf buddies has started a new business that i'm super excited about. wallers woodies. my buddy bob is making super cool, hand made, custom long board skateboards. isn't that rad!!! he's just getting things off the ground, and already getting some great opportunities. we talked today about his new website that is being built and let me tell you...it's going to be amazing! since his official website isn't up and running yet, do me a favor and friend request him on his facebook page. be sure and tell him i sent you cause i told him that i have the best blog readers in the world! word up! thanks!

"well, THAT's not what i expected"

2010-09-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

have you ever done something or maybe NOT done something, assuming there would be a certain reaction? only to be let down by the response, or lack there of?

it's funny how assumptions work. i may think to myself...i don't expect anything in return if i do something above and beyond the call of duty...uh....at least nothing beyond what's "normal" or "what i would have done". see there...assumption.

so, maybe i did assume? and then maybe...just maybe, when i realized that my heroic actions weren't being met with the fan fair that i had expected, i got a little mad. maybe even laid a little pathway to guilt-trip isle. that's justified right? i mean...all they had to do was just show the normal amount of gratitude...right? wrong!

anytime...let me re-phrase. 100% of the time that you have a specific expectation, and you don't communicate that expectation in advance to those that are EXPECTED to perform the expectation...expectantly...(wheww!)...well friends, you're just asking for trouble. let's just stick with the old adage shall we...

ASSUME = making an ASS out of U and ME!

have a great day!

less of me...

and just because i love it

2010-09-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

this song is near and dear to me for many reasons. enjoy!

it's about time...right?

2010-09-18T12:23:00.001-07:00

so, I finally got an iPhone. iPhone 4 actually. this is my maiden blog voyage from my fancy pants phone. maybe I won't even need to sit at a computer anymore. maybe I can just sit in a dark room staring mindlessly at this tiny screen, ignoring all other forms of life...wait...is the iPhone alive? maybe it is? maybe it breathes and needs? maybe it needs me? do you think? this relationship has GOT to be healthy, I'm sure. I guess we'll see. have a great weekend with whatever it is you do. you know what I'll be doing. :-)

less of me...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

back in the saddle

2010-09-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

well, i'm back. i know i've had a couple of small linguistic appetizers for you in the last week or so, but i figured i should officially say, 'hello again' to all 7 of my blog readers. it's nice to see you again....it's been awhile. it's been a crazy few months to say the least. i've been working on a post that (hopefully) recaps the experience that my family has journeyed through since june, but i'm not ready to finish it. but, it's coming...

i'm feeling the joy of life getting back to normal...or at least as normal as possible. i enjoy the regular routine of work, home, hang, sleep and repeat. all of which has been incredibly disjointed lately. the simple things make me smile. coffee in the morning. bbq as the sun goes down with the sounds of my kids playing in the background. my beautiful wife sitting with me on the front porch. all of those things make me happy...but today, the later is my focus.

the trials and lessons of late have really given me a new appreciation for sharon. that sounds wrong. i love sharon. in the words of my friend john, "i'm not talking about a roman candle, hot pink, hollywood kind of love...i'm talking a I'VE GOT YOUR BACK kind of love" but, in the last few months, we've both been in spots that we couldn't have ever seen coming or decided ahead of time how we'd react...or known how the other would respond. and it was in the center of those storms where her reaction was simply out of her pre-existing character.

sharon is so strong, so compassionate, so tender. she thinks about people and things in a way that i forget to...every single time. she handles pressure...not "i don't know which bill to pay first" kind of pressure...but mind numbing, heart breaking pressure with grace and dignity. now...because i know her, i bet she will read this and be embarrassed or just shrug these traits off as me being all mushy, but they are true none the less. and as if all of that wasn't enough...the quality that she displays that i love just as much as all of those others is her need to be loved and cared for by me. i can say without hesitation that at any given moment, sharon is just waiting...ready for me to love her. now, i'm not the easiest person to live with...or love. i know this about myself...and you don't need to agree with me. but there has never once been a time in our relationship where if my hand reached for hers in the dark...even without looking...that hers wasn't there...ready to hold mine. I LOVE THAT!!! and i love you babe. we are soul mates...in the truest sense. here's to forever.

less of me...

soul mates

2010-09-16T11:26:00.000-07:00

do you believe that's there's one person out there for you? one other person that completes you? did jerry maguire have it right?

the other day i found out that two old friends that had previously been married...then split up...are now married again. when i told sharon this great news i heard myself say "it makes sense...they're soul mates...they are supposed to be together". as i stared at the thought bubble with my words in the air over our heads i began to question if what i had just stated as fact was even possible? i mean, i understand that the romance of having a soul mate really works if you are with someone you love and stay with them...but what if you used to be with someone you really loved...split from them...and are now with ANOTHER that you also really love? maybe you can have two soul mates...or three? i wonder...

when you're too old...

2010-09-13T07:46:00.000-07:00

as i sat and watched the vma's last night, a couple of things came to mind....#1 is that really a meat suit lady gaga is wearing? and secondly, who is this music being made for...because it's certainly not for me.

i like to think of myself as a pretty open minded person when it comes to art. even in times when the art pushes my moral boundaries...i can usually hold back my gag reflex just enough to appreciate the expression viewed through the eyes of the artist. but honestly, last night i just realized that i don't get it anymore. heck, I AM the mtv generation. i grew up watching the vma's...but now...i realize that they aren't for me anymore. i spend most of the evening yelling at the tv about how all the songs sound the same or "geez, did they have to tell that joke?" or "c'mon bieber...pull your pants up son!" it was in the middle of my twitter tyraid that realized that i may be too old for the vma's. maybe i need to officially switch to the cma's or the ama's....something...but mtv has officially lost my vote. what a bummer. i remember fondly the days when they actually played (gasp) music videos!!! so with that, i say Adieu to mtv. oddly enough the literal translation being "God be with you" which would certainly be a good change for the network in my opinion.

one last thing. today is a special day for some dear friends. the beginning of a long awaited dream is coming true for our seattle pals mera koh and her husband brian. mera filmed the pilot episode of the new nate berkus show and it premiers today! please check your local listings to find out when it's on. mera is such a fantastic photographer and communicator. we can't wait to see what this amazing opportunity brings for you guys! we're celebrating with you. you can find out more about mera on her blog and more about the nate berkus show on the show site. enjoy!

*****UPDATE*****

mera's segment actually airs THIS THURSDAY....sorry....i got the word from a reliable source.

*****EVEN BETTER UPDATE*****

me time

2010-09-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

some people run. some people knit. some bake. others read....me.....i get my hair cut. :-) let me explain. for most of my life i was the guy that got his hair cut by his mom. yes, i just admitted that on the instrawebs....MY MOM CUT MY HAIR!!!! other then one small stint with a hair dresser girl friend. so, when my parents moved to another state a couple years back, i didn't know what to do. for about a year i shaved my head. good idea, right? i think the shaved head is something that every one should try at least once in their life...boys or girls. but after awhile, my beautiful wife gently suggested that i stop with the head shaving....immediately!

but what would i do? i didn't know how to get my hair cut by any one! i wouldn't even know how to communicate with a hair cut person!! ahhhh!!!!! the pressure of it all!!!!!

that's when sharon suggested i go to the gallery in suisun. i remember my response. "what! the gallery? isn't that a chick's place?" sharon assured me that boys could go there too. she even had a name for me. "go see amy" she said...."she'll take care of you".

ok...so, i reluctantly made my first appointment......now, i can say with confidence that i will never shave my head again! I LOVE GETTING MY HAIR CUT! first off, the gallery is in a beautiful location right in the heart of the marina in suisun....about a minute from my house. she washes my hair, i get a head massage...and then we got up stairs and look at the beautiful boats and water with the doors open, smelling the wonderful breeze...can you see it? i get a glass of wine....have a little girl talk (i can safely have girl talk since i'm married, right?)...it is totally relaxing. it's been about a year now that i've been getting my hair cut. maybe pedicures are next....you think? or massages? i think i can used to being pampered once in awhile....

have a great day!

san bruno fire

2010-09-10T10:19:00.000-07:00

my heart breaks for all the people affected by this horrific tragedy. such a sobering reminder of how fragile life is. you can CLICK HERE to find out more info about shelters and resources for those affected. you can also call 1-800-393-GIVE to find out where you can give blood to help those in need right now. join with me in prayer for the safety of the rescue personnel as well as the lives that have been forever changed.

time stands still...part 3

2010-05-29T15:31:00.001-07:00

like i said....some people like to talk during these times. i don't. i prefer to be alone. i'm an odd combination of a public figure (big fish, small pond) built into a very private individual. but on wednesday when this roller coaster started clanking up the steep climb, i was talking with my friend dorothy and she told me to let people serve us. "...let people help because it gives them an outlet for their love for your family." i was remembering those words as i saw a few texts come through on my phone signaling the arrival of friends to be with me at the hospital while i waited for sharon to get out of surgery. i wanted to tell them not to come. i wanted to crawl into a hole. but i kept hearing dorothy's words, "let people serve you".

after wandering for a bit down on the street in front of the hospital and getting a hold of myself, i made my way up to the waiting room on the 15th floor where my sister in law amanda and our friends steve and michelle were waiting for me. amanda brought me some food. i had forgotten until i ate the first bite that i hadn't eaten since first thing in the morning. we sat in that really small waiting room with the sun baking down through the window, listening to the spanish soap opera playing on the tv in the background along with the hum from the vending machines. i remember thinking that they looked uncomfortable. i've been in their spot. wanting to show my support, but not knowing what to say. in fact....i don't think there's anything that you can say. when life and death hang in the balance, there's nothing you can say. you can just be there...and they were.

i shared with them what had happened in the last couple of days. how we got to this place. we talked about LOST. about $799 iphone apps. i went in and out of being sad and afraid. sometimes we were all quiet only to have the silence broken by the opening of the door or the chime of the hospital paging system. 6:30pm. i got up to get a sprite from the vending machine when michelle said that my phone was buzzing. i moved quickly to get it, but missed the call. i sat there with my phone in my hand waiting for the voicemail to come through...minutes seemed like hours. then...my phone buzzed again. i answered, "hello". it was the nurse from sharon's surgery...."uh....mr. sossaman?" "yes!" i replied. "hi, i just wanted to let you know that sharon is out of surgery and everything went great!"

i smiled. gave everyone around me the thumbs up and said "thank you" to the nurse.

sigh...

7:15pm. one of the surgeons comes in the waiting room to find me. he looks right at me and shakes my hand. "everything went perfect. we saw all the blood vessels, and we were able to burn them all with the laser. we also removed 5 liters of amniotic fluid from the larger sack. sharon should be much more comfortable now....she's in recovery...you can see her if you want." i hopped right up and followed him to the recovery room. when i opened the door sharon looked at me and smiled. "HI!!!!" she said. almost running i came to her bed and kissed her. it had only been a few hours, but it had seemed like an eternity. she was so much smaller! we had grown accustomed to her large pregnant belly assuming she grew so quickly because there were two babies inside of her. she could lay on her back without pain. we laughed about how excited we were that she was going to get such a great night sleep tonight. release.

as we chatted in the recovery room, we watched the sun go down over the beautiful city that we love. her room had the most gorgeous view of the golden gate bridge, golden gate park, and the bay. it was perfect! we couldn't really wrap our brains around all that had happened in the last 24 hours. a new nurse came in at one point and asked us where we were from. that was probably the 10th time someone had asked us that. we didn't really put anything together, but when we responded this time, the nurse said, "you know, people fly in from all over the country to have this procedure done here at the hospital. and here you guys are in your back yard." what a blessing indeed! the day had been such a whirlwind. but now that we were on the other side, we were starting to get a little perspective on that absolute miracle that we had been a part of that day. most of it we still couldn't verbalize, but we knew in that moment that God had mercy on us. the right place, the right time. we are still unpacking how grateful we feel.

our amazing friends nicky, jeanette, dave, danielle and cole all stopped by to check in us. they all stayed till late. we laughed. told our amazing story. laughed more...and felt so grateful. at one point our nurse janet said that she had never seen so many people come to visit someone who had just arrived. i told janet that sharon was special. janet agreed. after everyone left we slept like worn out kids on christmas night.

the next day we met with more doctors. had more tests. it was another long day. but, everyone seemed very hopeful in the success of the surgery. reality is that it will take some time before we know for sure if the babies are growing on their own. we will have many more follow up appointments. but for now, the worst is behind us. and we'll take that.

when we got home on friday evening our kids were so excited to see us....and us them. it's amazing how attached we are to those little buggers. we all hugged and laughed. even got right into a little parenting. it doesn't take long huh? while we were gone, not only did our good friends kimmi and eva watch over our kids, which is amazing enough, but they also cleaned our house along with our other amazing friends michela and ethel. i'm not kidding. bathrooms, bedrooms. they cleaned stuff you typically wouldn't let people other then yourself clean. they did it because they love us and they wanted to serve us. i remembered dorothy's words..."let people serve you." it was so amazing! we got a miraculous meal that night from our good friends tim and lori all the way from north carolina. i'm still trying to figure that one out. we felt so lucky. so blessed. so taken care of.

9:45pm. after the kids were put to bed and i picked up our dishes from dinner...i hopped in the shower for the first time in almost 2 days. as the warm water fell over my head i felt the stress and fear from the day wash over me. release. emotional...physical....it was over. and we were ok.

so many played a part in our miracle. i know that we probably won't see most of them ever again....but we know and will always remember them. thank you to all of the amazing staff at UCSF.

nurses
rachel
jody
flora
janet
tina

doctors
shin
larry
mark
liina
ruth

click here to read the whole story.

time stands still...part 2

2010-05-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

some people need to talk things out. some people just want to be quiet. i usually try to restore order to my life when things feel out of control. i want things to be normal, settled. so, in the midst of bad, scary news i try to keep my routine. wake up, shower, go to work. so that's what i did. i know that sharon doesn't work that way....and it drives her crazy that i do, but i just can't sit and think about all the bad things that could happen. i'll go crazy.

luckily, our good friend kimmi had already made plans to come and hang with sharon while i was at work and kimmi's mom eva was going to take our big ones to school...our good friend monika was bringing the big ones home from school.....so we were all covered...wheww! so, i drove into the office and started working. i knew that there was a possibility that we would need to go to SF in the next couple days so i think subconsciously i was trying to get as much done as i could, as quickly as i could. 8:30am. i was pouring my first cup of coffee when i heard my cell phone ring. it was sharon....(crying) "I need you to come get me now! UCSF just called and said that they scheduled a sonogram for me at 10:00am." my mind was racing.

i got in my car and headed home. i'm not totally sure how i did it, but i think i made it home from concord in 20 minutes....30 miles....you do the math. sharon and i started driving towards the hospital and the rain started pouring. perfect timing, right? now, when i say pouring...what i mean is, you know the fastest setting on your windshield wiper blades...you know the one you never use....we had to use that setting. it was raining like an army of men were standing on the hood of my car with buckets of water being poured on our windshield. seriously? didn't the weather man know that this was an emergency? how would we ever make it on time? i called and spoke with rachel at the fetal treatment center. she had talked to sharon earlier in the day and recognized our name. she told me that everything would be fine. just get in as quick as we could. it's amazing how her kind words set sharon and i at ease.

we finally arrived to the hospital at 10:20am and made it into the fetal treatment center at UCSF. hospitals smell weird. did you know that our sense of smell is the strongest sense? not sight, hearing, touch, taste....but smell. what we smell has the strongest pull on our memory banks. and when i smell a hospital, the flood of bad memories are almost more then i can take. when we walked in and told the receptionist our name, she smiled like she knew us. then rachel appeared. she smiled and said that everything was going to be alright. she told us that the sonogram people were waiting for us downstairs and that she would walk us down there and help us get all checked in. as soon as we sat down at the sonogram office, they called our name. the sonogram was really difficult. in the last 2-3 weeks, sharon had been in so much pain. she could barely sleep because she couldn't lay in any position. not on her back or either side. it's been brutal. part of us thought that this discomfort was just part of having twins, but i think sharon new deep down that something else was wrong. so as sharon laid on that table in pain, the technician did his best to see our little baby girls. it's one of the toughest things to listen to your wife cry in pain and be completely helpless to provide any relief. after an hour or so, the technician finished, and the doctor came in to interpret the images of our baby girls. she could see the pain that sharon was in, but as she continued to look, she was able to confirm that one of our girls was surrounded by way too much amniotic fluid, and the other had almost none. practically shrink wrapped in her little home inside sharon's womb.

we went back upstairs to the fetal treatment center and met rachel again. she introduced us to larry. sharon says i need to call him dr. rand, but he said his name was larry, and it seemed that our circumstance warranted us to be on a first name basis. larry is one of the smartest, most compassionate doctors i have ever met. he is the chief of surgery at the fetal treatment center. he led us to this large conference room and for the next 2 hours he walked us through every excruciating detail of our girls condition. all the statistics. all the risk. all the potentials...and the treatment that he proposed. we had to understand it all, because we had to make a choice. in my telling of this story, i've gone back and forth in my mind whether or not i should share the statistics. i didn't think i would, but i'm going to. i'm assuming that you read a bit about ttts from the link i provided in 'part 1'. if you haven't, then press the pause button and read it now. it will help you to understand. we had some options. we could do nothing. if we chose that our girls had a 80-90% chance that both would die. even as i type that it doesn't seem real. if we went forward with the treatment the babies would have a 60-70% chance of survival. but in that chance came the very real risk of putting sharon into surgery. at this point larry reminded us that we had other children at home and that they needed sharon too. this is when i started to get really scared. how would i live without her? i couldn't. i knew i couldn't. i love sharon more then my own life and even the remote possibility that she could die was unacceptable to me. if she died, i would die. but even in this fear we knew that we had to at least give our girls a chance. larry said we were going to shoot for surgery at 5pm.

1:30pm. with papers signed we were rushed up to the 15th floor were the labor and delivery unit lives. UCSF is massive. huge. our local hospital times 10. i think i asked our escort jody (another amazing member of the fetal treatment center team) to repeat her instructions 4 times because i was sure i would walk into the psych ward by mistake. the next hour was a blur. sharon was given a gown...yeah, those gowns. a fetal EKG, and right in the middle of that we were told that she was going into surgery right now! i made some last minute phone calls to our family. my head was spinning. none of this seemed real. i was so afraid. even my half full mentality wavered at the mental images of my wife on that table. i couldn't do it. it was too much.

3:15pm, we were in pre-op. more papers to sign. more doctors. everyone was moving so fast. i tried to keep a hold of sharon at all times. somehow i thought that if i was touching her that she would now how much i love her and that everything would be ok. finally, dr. rosen, the anesthesiologist said that it was time to go. i kissed sharon one last time. i held her tight and said "i love you....i'll see you soon". i told larry to take good care of her...he smiled and said he would for sure and i walked out. i ended up out on the street. i was lost. my heart hurt. i didn't know what to do. time stood still...

click here to read the whole story.

time stands still...part 1

2010-05-28T21:45:00.000-07:00

9:45pm on friday night. i just got out of the shower. i can not describe how good it felt! as i stood under the warm water with my head up and my eyes closed, i felt a release...physical, emotional. it's over.

let me rewind a bit.

two days ago, i was rushing around at work. scrambling the way you do when you have to leave early to go to a doctors appointment. that's what i was doing. sharon and i had a 'level 2' ultrasound scheduled at a doctors office in sacramento that morning. we didn't really know what 'level 2' meant or what the purpose was...but we figured "hey, we're having twins....i must have something to do with that." as we drove to sacramento, we chatted. chatting with each other is a luxury that we don't often get to enjoy in our busy home. 4 kids, 3 jobs, 2 dogs and a cat. there isn't a lot of chatting that goes on. actually, our life is kind of like an assembly line. meal times, school times, homework, appointments, errands. we do everything with acute accuracy and precision. our kids have become used to it. our pets have become used to it. it's how we roll. but in that....there's not a lot of room for chatting. so on our drive, we chatted. sharon and i love to be together. we love talking...or even just being quiet next to one another, holding hands. sometimes the busyness of our lives makes it a little tough to jump right into the groove that we created over 13 years ago....but it doesn't take long to find it. not long at all.

when we got to the doctor's office in sacramento, i had to pee like you wouldn't believe. sharon checked in...filled out the traditional stupid paper work that you fill out anytime you go to a new doctor's office...even though in this day and age, the doctor that referred us could have certainly just emailed our medical history to this new doctor....but then why would things be that easy? :-) after we sat for a bit, they called our names and we got situated in the dimly lit room with the big computer in it. sharon laid down and they piled "the goop" on her beautiful belly. it was in this moment that i knew something was wrong.

almost immediately we could tell that the sonographer had concerns. her expressions, the way she held her mouth. the sighs. we could tell. she made a comment at one point about the amniotic fluid in one of the baby's sack. sharon asked what that meant and the technician replied..."that's not good."

WHAT!?????

THAT'S NOT GOOD??????

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!!!!??????

fear began to drift into the room like a cloud of smoke. subtle at first as it just crept under the door, and then it became so thick that we could barely see the computer screen with our two little girls on it. finally, the technician finished and the doctor came in. he looked at some of the images that had just been taken, and then he looked at us and asked...."has anyone talked to you guys about twin to twin transfusion syndrome?" we were stunned. we didn't even know what that was. i stared at the doctor and replied, almost indignantly, "no!" he told us that we should meet in the conference room across the hall.

as we sat in that conference room across from the doctor, we listened as he told us about this life threatening complication that our beautiful baby girls had. we were living every parent's nightmare in that moment. imagine any medical television show that you've ever seen where this is happening. ER, gray's...you name it...it's exactly what you think. it happens just like that. you see your life changing and being flung upside down like a mailbox in a tornado with every word coming from the doctors mouth. it is surreal. i know that i blanked out for part of it, but was pulled out of my daze when i heard the doctor say, "well....let me just skip to the good part. there is a treatment for this but it's only done in about 12 locations in the whole world. but luckily, one of them happens to be in san francisco."

the doctor told us confidently that this special team of doctors at UCSF had successfully fixed this exact issue in many of his patients in the past with this relatively new procedure. he seemed to believe it. he made me believe it. his office made some calls and told us that the folks at UCSF would most likely be contacting us in the morning.

hopeful...but still incredibly stunned, we drove home. we barely spoke. every few miles a silent tear would fall down one of our cheeks. scared of the unknown. when we got home, we sat down and with all the strength i could muster, i told our kids in 11, 9, 4 and 2 year old speak what was going to happen. we called our loved ones and let them know what was going on. and then we just sat. silent, scared, uncertain. sharon and i barely slept.

it was just the beginning.

click here to read the whole story.

relentless

2010-05-12T06:00:00.000-07:00

just a quick post today. life is crazy. good...but crazy. for those of you that haven't heard yet, sharon and i are expecting twins sometime in september. that's right....two new babies to add to the unexplainable joy that IS the sossaman's. it's going to be an amazing time for sure. we are going through everything you can possibly imagine right now...excited, scared, overwhelmed...you name it...we've felt it in the last few weeks. but the thing that i keep coming back to is that i love sharon more then my own life and she inspires me to be better...work harder...reach for more. and i know that we will make it together. no matter what.

this song really summed it up for me today. this is a local bay area band called audrye sessions. they rock in a major way. check it out!

so much, too much...or just enough?

2010-04-02T09:03:00.001-07:00

there's so much to say. so much has happened in the past few months. so much is yet to happen. it's amazing...it seems as though i've blinked and 3 months has gone by. it's true for sure...the speed at which the sossaman's move, is absolutely thrilling. ha! thrilling for sure.

recently, i've debated with myself the idea of putting this blog to rest for a bit. my intentions when i started have changed a lot from that time till now, but i must admit that i still enjoy putting my thoughts down on paper...errr....computer for my friends to read. i enjoy reading your take on the stuff that i journey through and that's the part that makes me want to continue...

so maybe i won't make a decision now. maybe i'll just commit to not pressure myself to write. maybe i'll just choose to be satisfied with taking what i can get...when i can get it. are my days and dreams of being a professional blogger over? don't know. :-) what i do know is that life is good...and sharon and i are happy. we love our family and all that it requires. we know it's not for everyone, but it's what we choose, every day. just like we choose each other...every day. and for now...i guess that's enough.

i hope you enjoy your easter weekend! it symbolizes, for those that choose to believe, a great God that gave up more then we can even fathom, just so we could be saved from ourselves and live with Him forever. because He love us...oh, how He loves us so much! not too much....but just enough. let's choose to live that love out to each other. are you with me? take care...

less of me.

outlook....clear with sunny skies!

2010-03-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

so i know i've been a super bad blogger. i can honestly say though that not a day has gone by that i haven't at least thought about my blogziness (blog laziness), but alas...i haven't been able to muster the will to get my thoughts down on paper...errr....computer.

part of this has been due to illness. tis the season...right? :-) but it's not just me. in the past few months, either me, or sharon or one of our four little kiddlets have been ill at all times....sometimes at the same time. stinker!

we also got a new member to our family on christmas! that's right....sharon and i have been hard at work and....ok...just kidding...."santa" brought us a new puppy. she is super cute...but as fellow dog owners know...a new puppy is almost like having a new baby. a small detail that "santa" overlooked in her...uh, i mean....his romantic notions. but princess leia is firmly in place now as a sossaman. paddy and harley are so thankful!

another reason for my virtual un-hospitality is the dark cloud that's been residing on top of my house. it seems as though the rain has found a permanent target...and it's anywhere that i am. all of my belongings are soaked. my feet are super cold and no amount of toasty fire has been able to break the chill. the roof started to buckle a couple months back, and the landscaping is a wasteland of mud and yuck and all things uninviting that create more work every time you step foot in it. a never ending cycle of cleaning up mud off the floor. if i wore mascara...well...you get the picture.

so obviously, this is a metaphor...but today, as i woke up at the crack of dawn...wiping the sleep from my eyes, ready to arm wrestle another day...i looked out the window on my way to the shower, and what did i see?

not a cloud in the sky.

the streets were still wet...but the storm had passed over. a beautiful sun shinny day! that's right....just for me. you can enjoy it if you'd like...but i know that it's a really a gift in a box with a bow and card...and my name is on the tag.

and to the giver i say, THANK YOU! i receive...

take care!

LOST: the final season

2010-02-17T12:36:00.000-08:00

it's back. and better then ever. tuesday night is officially my best night. i've added to my repertoire this year the jay and jack lost podcast...but who's my old stand by...that's right...non other then my good friend al trautwig. enjoy his take on the first few episodes. ****also...keep checking back in each week.**** i'll be adding his new videos to this post as they become available. just like i did last season. enjoy!

i gave blood

2010-01-21T06:00:00.000-08:00

last weekend. i really enjoy it actually. giving blood. i've never been too squeamish about blood or needles. in high school i always volunteered to give blood when the blood banks came around every year. what could be better right? you got out of 2 for sure...maybe even 3 classes...you got free cookies...and you're helping people out. what could be better? anybody with me?

well...to be totally transparent with you...i have to admit that i hadn't given blood in many many years right up until last summer when a friend of mine was coordinating a blood drive for her church. i signed up because it reminded me of my fond blood giving memories from my high school days. what i didn't consider was that the blood banks had gotten a lot more sophisticated in their ability to retain donors. because almost 4 months later (the minimum amount of time before you can give blood again) i got a phone call...actually, i received about 4 phone calls asking if i'd come back in and donate. so i finally scheduled a date over the phone and not a minute after i hung up....my cell phone buzzed with a new email. "thank you for making an appointment to give blood!"

HOW DID THEY DO THAT??? DID I EVEN GIVE THEM MY EMAIL ADDRESS?

anyway. my day came. i showed up. i gave blood. ate some cookies...a lot of cookies actually. got the bright blue arm bandage. done. what came next really got me though. as soon as i walked back in the door to my house, i looked at my phone and there was another email from the blood bank. at first i thought that i had finally found a flaw in their system...like they were trying to get me to schedule another appointment or something. but when i read the email i saw something very different. it said....

you are our hero! thank you for donating blood.

wow. it's amazing how good it feels to get thanked huh? that got me thinking...(dangerous)...the nurse said maybe 10 or 20 people on average will benefit from my blood donation. 10 or 20! a lot right? to get my blood donation, they called 4 times, gave me cookies, sent 2 emails and at the end of the day, that effort will help 10 to 20 people. they even emailed to thank me right after. but there's someone else that gave blood too...only HE didn't need a reminder email. and HIS donation helped all of man kind. everyone. JESUS CHRIST gave HIS blood...all of it...freely...for the benefit of us all. i believe that.

listen...i'm not saying that donating blood isn't a good thing....cause it is. but the truth is...i'm no hero. but i know that HE is. the question is...have i thanked HIM lately? have you? maybe it's time we did.

less of me...